Funny how things work out. At the beginning of this month when I started the whole NaBloPoMo thing, I would not have suspected November would end up with an obscenity of the XXX variety, but it has.
It seems that budget constraints and an abrupt shift in editorial policy, or something, has prompted Adoption.com, one of my employers over the past couple of years, to terminate the contract of their highest paid and most uncompromising blogger: me.
I have not been provided with any official explanation; in fact, there has been no explanation at all no matter how many times one is asked for by me or other bloggers confounded by my sudden departure. A change in editors in October did signal changes in the wind, however, and the handwriting began to appear on the wall when I decided to discontinue the assistant editor role I had stepped up for.
Is it a money issue? (They did bounce paychecks recently.) Has my advocacy for adoption been more than the site is willing to support?
It most certainly can’t be my lack of dedication, as I have been the most prolific of all writers having posted hundreds of well-researched blogs over the past two years.
It can’t be a lack of talent, because I can put words together well and keep to topic.
It can’t be for lack of readers, because before Adoptionblogs.com began hemorrhaging bloggers and listing dead blogs by the dozen I was topping out at more than 100,000 hits per month.
Yes, I did manage to piss off a few people along the way. The looney fringe of the adoption community whipped themselves into a frenzy over some of my posts … and, yes, I can hear them jumping up and down, elated over my temporary departure from the adoption blogging world. (Enjoy it while you can, ladies. Oh! and those three guys.)
Should I mention that the new “editor”, someone who freely admits on her personal blog that she can’t write … Whose bright idea was it to put someone like this in an editorial position? … is a birth mother? Should I read anything into this? (I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. But so many of the personal attacks, the truly hideous assults I have suffered over the years, have come from that angle of the triad and I can’t ignore the connection.)
Since she removed my access to the blogs before I had an opportunity to adios my wonderful readers there, I’ll just invite you all to continue to join me here.
I’m rather sick of the adoption world for the moment, however … rampant abuse and nastiness tends to do that, and XXX feels as bad as it looks and leaves one sore … but, as always, I’m happy to help out when I can.
It is a bit strange that after writing so much about abuse in the world, I find myself the victim of those who provided the platform. I’m still trying to figure out what that says about them, but I’m sure it isn’t pretty.
I do know the real world, however … I’ve seen first-hand how cruel, how base, how downright evil people can be … so I should not be surprised by bad people doing wrong things.
No matter how old I get, though, I’m still side-swiped by petty meanness and a tendency to behave badly. I simply expect better of people.
I’m happy about that part of me.
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 
“No matter how old I get, though, I’m still side-swiped by petty meanness and a tendency to behave badly. I simply expect better of people.”
AMEN, SISTER!
I still can’t believe this
That sucks. I wish I had a more eloquent response, but there it is.
I look forward to continuing to read your posts here.
I’ve really admired your tenacity and sense of humor in all of this. You have prepared me for the world head that is not always kind to those who speak about adoption in the light of the larger embrace of humanity. I don’t take on people who are nasty, I ignore them. But I’m glad you do, and I hope you continue to address these passionate matters with the dignity, grace and humor you’ve always shown.
Good luck.
All my best,
Kari
ack! How awful. You’re one of my favourite bloggers on there.
It does not make much sense to let you go…
wow!! I’m kinda new to the adoptionblogs site so I’m still learning and “getting my feet wet” with some of the situations – but this really stinks!! I was always amazed at the sheer number of posts I saw on there from you and the ones I read were very well-spoken (to say nothing of the research that you must have put into them).
People can be petty, intolerant, cruel, ignorant, etc. I guess I was just expecting more from this forum. I’ll definitely bookmark this site!!
Keep fighting the good fight!!
This makes absolutely no sense to me. My impression was that you were cordial and able to listen well to all sides of the conversation. That doesn’t mean you didn’t hold true to your own thoughts even when others were vehemently opposed, but I thought you actually had a certain rapport within the diverse blogs there.
I am truly disappointed, not only because I enjoyed reading your blog but even more because it reveals a flaw in an organization I had respected.
Thanks for inviting us over here.
Also, is there an easy way to contact the editor there? I find two links to people who seem not to be the current head… Don’t worry, I won’t go on a tirade, I just would like to ask where you are and what’s up.
Wow Sandra,
The absolute least they can do is give you some kind of explanation.
Thanks for emailing me your site here. I’ll be checking in and reading away. I am sure that you find a way to turn this into a positive experience and move on to bigger and better.
In the meantime, hang in there and know that you have a lot of people that support you and the opinions and information you share.
Anne 🙂
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, that has been always my experience.
Much later you will find that this a blessing and something much better will come your way, watch and see! ;0)
Sandra:
Wow….with the release of it’s more talented writers (a few remaining writers excepted, of course), the “management” over there has managed to lose my interest and my support. Since there does not seem to be a way to contact the current “head” of the “management” over there, I will simply have to be content with stating it here: they have lost my readership. There are other ways to remain active in the adoption community and, frankly, there are more balanced and less close-minded individuals to deal with. That will be a relief.
You should be side-swipped by their actions; their behavior is atrocious. Atrocious behavior should not be the norm and it’s appearance speaks volumes about those involved in said behavior.
I will, of course, continue to return to your website on a frequent, usually daily, basis to learn from you, laugh with you, cry with you and, last but not least, try to make the adoption world a better place for the CHILDREN of the world. Your site, at least, can always be counted on to do that.
Hugs to you, my friend,
Since so many are asking how to contact management, here is the address of the woman who canned me:
brandy@devnet.com
Her boss can be reached at:
Nathan@gwilliam.com
I am stunned! I was regular reader of your blogs and found them forthright and extremely informative. You always dealt with controversy diplomatically and with grace. How can we grow if we are only exposed to opinions with which we agree?
I’m so glad you posted those, Sandra. I was about to do it myself!
-Another AdoptionBlogs Ex
Sandra — I’m sorry this has happened, and I’m glad to know where I can keep up with your writing.
So, birthmothersaretheonlyonesallowedtohaveanopinion.com blew you off, huh? It does not surprise me that brandyisalwaysright didn’t like your work. It was head and shoulders above almost everyone else who blogs there, and no one was better. Its also no surprise that they did not sever ties in an honorable fashion. They know nothing of honor.
I appreciate your work and will continue to visit here.
JP
I’m with Luna on this, turn this into an opportunity for yourself. It sounds like things weren’t the greatest there lately anyway. Keep writing and we will follow.
Eric (one of the 3 guys?)
I am sorry this happened but not surprised. The birthmothers seem to be slowly taking over the site. Almost every moderator is a birthmother or “firstmother” as some call themselves. I have seen a definite trend in the following areas:
1. Any adoptee is encouraged to search for his/her birthparents even if it means lying to the adoptive parents, and to insist on contact even if the b-mother requests no contact. Also to bypass a reluctant b-mother and contact bio-siblings, and extended family members.
2. Any pregnant girl or woman who posts on forum considering adoption is completely discouraged. They are told how miserable they will be forever, how screwed up the child they surrender will be, and how all they need are financial resources so go on government aid, sue b-father for child support, but keep the baby. No mention of how an unwanted baby could be screwed up being raised by a reluctant mother, or how the other siblings might be deprived of material and emotional support by the arrival of another child.
3. All adoptive parents are second-class. Whether they are infertile or “do-gooders”. TINKS, or just selfish people who want to choose the sex of their child — they are in some way “wrong” to be adopting. The only Right thing to do is sponsor a family in Guatamala so that the parents can keep their child and raise him/her in their own culture with Americans paying for food, shelter, medical care and education.
I had an encounter with Brandy when someone thinking about adoption posted with a concern that all the adoptees were miserable and wanted their birthfamilies. I said there were lots of happy adoptees living regular lives but she would not hear from them on this forum because they did not dwell on their adoption and did not post on these forums. Brandy let me know quickly that I had insulted birthmothers and that ALL adopted children had issues whether they knew it or not and wanted to find their birthparents sooner or later.
Good luck. You will be missed. Marcia
wow. woooow. I thought something was up. Well, I have this page bookmarked. So I will still faithfully read you here, if no where else. 🙂
I can say I was floored when I clicked the link. She was one of the blogs I read for a while, but couldn’t get my head around her opinions and the way she wrote.
good grief.
Maybe Brandy will write all the blogs herself one day?
Yes, this can be an opportunity. Yes, it also sucks. Thank goodness birthmothers are so fair minded. I suspect a lot of your readers came with you, we are looking forward to your next adventure. Remember, us geezers need you Sandra. John
Sandra,
I’m shocked! wow.
I will certainly be checking in here to keep up with you and your thought provoking posts. And feeling very thankful it’s available.
All The Best,
Amy
I am so touched by the support shown here, and can’t thank you all enough for your kind and healing words.
As you all know, I loved my job … until it began to tarnish and corrode … and I need some time to grieve the loss. The 8 hours per day I dedicated to researching and writing my blogs now feel frustratingly empty.
I have no intention, however, of sliding off the edge of the adoption world and there is talk of a new site that will be more inclusive and less repressive, so watch this space.
In the meantime, I’ll be posting on adoption here and submitting work to other publications that offer information.
If you have specific questions or topics you would like me to research and write on, please feel free to let me know.
Even with the shoddy treatment, I will always be grateful to Adoption.com for providing me a platform from which I could meet so many wonderful people.
Thank you all so much.
By the way, I see that Brandy has password protected her blog. She must have even more to be ashamed of.
Ever the coward, she is …
Hey! I feel for ya. I am totally stymied as well – everyone knows you were the best they had and SOO prolific. Well, their loss. Let’s start a new site . . . .
[…] 2, 2007 by Sandra Hanks Benoiton No matter that I’ve just been burnt to a crisp by a faction of the adoption “community”, I can’t stay away. Having not posted […]
Wow – Thanks to whoever sent me the link to this! Otherwise I would’ve gone to adoptionblogs looking for my favorite blogger and would’ve left utterly mystified…
Wow. Sorry that this happened. I can’t say I’ve paid too much attention to the flavor of adoptionblogs since I left so I have no insight on the matter but that part about the bouncing paychecks may offer some insight – maybe more than the new editorial shift. But what do I know? I got out a long time ago…and I was never very controversial anyway (only in my head).
So – lovely blog. Lovely Sandra!
Well, crap – I wanted to read “quietly mothering”. Too funny that a BLOG is password-protected.
Love the idea of a new site!! It is much-needed, I believe. Too bad for adoptionblogs.com – it’s truly astonishing that they would let go of such a talented writer.
MamaS – I agree with your points!!
Sandra,
My gosh, I can’t believe this. I always enjoyed reading your blog. I think you are, at a minimum, owed an explanation as are your loyal readers. Very, very sad.
I don’t understand why a.com would not want adoptive parent writers who speak of the positives of adoption (after all, don’t they make money mostly off of Parent Profiles?). Maybe the paychecks are bouncing because of the legal fees they have had to incur since PP so blatantly discriminated against gays.
Have other people been let go? I’ve noticed there are some other blogs that have not been updated in some time and it is making me uneasy.
At least I know who Bob Geldolf is now.
Several bloggers left by choice several months ago and weren’t replaced. (The acting editor was told not to hire due to budget constraints.) Since the latest episode, beginning with Sandra being let go, it seems other bloggers are taking a “wait and see” approach. Things may be slow there for a while.
The email I sent to brandy@devnet.com came back to me as undeliverable. Hmmmmm, this woman seems to be hiding behind a wall of “privacy” concerning her actions…..
Well, who can blame her? If I’d committed such truly trashy behavior, I’d be ashamed and not wanting to talk about it also….
Dang, that is deeply depressing me, especially since it was one of my favourite places to get information about adoption.
That is rather deeply annoying to me.
Sandra,
I left my blogging position at adoption.com several months ago and have never looked back. After my initial, extremely brief period of grieving for all the work I put into researching and writing a year’s worth of blog posts and the absence of my extremely shoddy paycheck (enough to buy a latte a day, anyone?), I’ve felt as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
In fact, leaving that position opened up time in my day to do what I really wanted: I started my own blogging business! I can’t tell you how good it makes me feel to help businesses that want to start blog (but don’t want to hassle with setting it up or writing it) get up and running, and to hire great freelance writers to blog for them, AND to pay those bloggers a decent wage!
You are not alone in your feelings about the way adoption.com manages their blogs, Sandra — I share your your reactions to a tee. I’ve spoken with several other bloggers who left (or were dumped by) adoption.com, and they, too, had similar experiences.
It’s fairly obvious to anyone who regularly surfs adoption Websites that their primary goal is to buy up as many adoption-related domains as possible and to rake in as much income as possible through advertising on those many sites. While there’s nothing wrong with making money, their tactics and the way they treat their bloggers has left a bad taste in my mouth. On my Exploring Adoption blog, I no longer promote anything having to do with adoption.com (except for links to the occasional related post on the blog I wrote for them).
Their business practices will come back to bite them as word gets around this extremely small adoption community. Those of us who are passionate about advocating for adoption will continue to thrive without them.
I invite you to join the Adoption Writers Networking Community (adoptionwriters.ning.com), a place where many authors, bloggers, and writers who educate and encourage others about adoption gather to share ideas, promote our works, and encourage one another.
Laura
I knew Nancy (we called her Sass!) and was upset she left. I only read at adoption.com after she told me she was leaving about.com to become editor at adoption.com. I never really read the blogs though, but your name seems familiar and maybe that is why. I am enjoying your posts and am glad to have “discovered” you!!
adoption.com was run by Nathan Gwilliam out of, I think, Arizona. Am I correct?
I thought they were going great-guns. Or has their attempt at total Internet Adoption Domination failed?
Regarding Brandy Hagz, a few years ago on alt.adoption (on usenet) there was a poster trashing her out left, right and center. I don’t know why, but it was fairly vicious.
Those posts can still be viewed on Google Groups. Search for alt.adoption and Brandy Hagz.
I really never appreciated the “don’t mention your agency” rule over on adoption.com’s forums. What a load that was. It’s about time something bit adoption.com in the behind.
FWIW, complete independence is where it’s at. Whether it’s adoption, politics, electronics, business, etc. That’s why we have our website on our own server and we are our own “content” providers. Speak for yourself – and others may just listen.
I can’t honestly say I’m *surprised* – the rising demands/lowering payscale thing is generally an indicator of trouble.
I’m sort of bemused at my own situation – I’m still not sure if I was actually fired or not. I think I stepped off the bus not a moment too soon.
Glad to see you’re still around. I’m spending more time diddling with http://www.guildofscientifictroubadours.com and http://www.43folders.com – neither of which have anything to do with adoption, really.
Keep in touch.
I’d also only recently started hearing about this stuff, too, which was slightly disturbing….
“No matter how old I get, though, I’m still side-swiped by petty meanness and a tendency to behave badly. I simply expect better of people.”
I know. I am so stunned at the news of this. I am one of many who enjoyed your blog and appreciated the passion and honesty you empoloyed in your writings. I turned to your blog when I wanted uncompromising truth about adoption.
I hope you are able to continue writing about adoption in another platform. I’ll watch this site meanwhile to stay tuned in!
Hi Sandra!
I went over to adoption.com to catch up on all the posts I missed and noticed that you were gone and someone else was posting the adoption news. I guess this explains why. I look forward to keeping up with all the news on this blog.
[…] the month starting off with a nasty cow canning my ass from my blog job, refusing to give any reason whatsoever, and then scurrying into her dim little hidey-hole to keep from having to account for her actions, […]
Sandra,
I’m late to the party as usual. I had noticed your absence at adoption.com but haven’t been checking there as regularly as I once was. Anyway, finally decided to check you out here and see if you’d dropped off the face of the earth entirely. I’m glad to see you are still blogging and will add this site to my favorites. I’m sorry that the other job ended so badly, and I hope that you are gettting your feet under you about other things you may want to be doing.
Julie
very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce
Idetrorce,
This isn’t actually a “agree” or “disagree” post since it’s about a personal experience of abuse. (See how that works?) You not agreeing doesn’t invalidate the abuse, correct the wrong done or address the base cruelty in the people involved. it does however, have me mildly curious about your agenda.
LOL
Me too! 🙂
Amblin, Veronika, Julie,
Glad you found me again, and thanks for the kind wishes.
Work is beginning to pile up again and I have some very interesting irons in a few fires.
Must say I’m enjoying the freedom after working myself to a frazzle for peanuts, which is what the reality of the A.c job became. Good little team player that I am, I kept taking on whatever was asked of me thinking that there would be some appreciation for dedication and a job well done. (I should have known better, and they should be ashamed of themselves.)
Now that I’m back in control of my time and my efforts, and making more money, I’m happy. Still pissed off, but happy.
By the way, as E. Case pointed out in a comment up the page a bit, Brandy … the nasty piece of work who took her incompetence so far as to fire me … has quite the rep for being a nasty piece of work.
Alt.adopt is not for sissies or prudes, but here’s one of the cleaner examples of some of the dirt on Brandy posted there:
Oh, my!
Hmmmm, seems like Miss Brandy is broad with her back-stabbing, not fit for reasonable society, lying, trashing, cowardly and ethics-less behavior to others, as well.
Believe this, S: that kind of behavior has a way of coming around and biting the a** of the person who let it out in the first place……hard! Miss Brandy’s reputation is in tatters and it won’t be long before any nominal respect she’s afforded will be long gone, if it isn’t already
Keep posting comments on anti-adoption blogs. That’s where I found you, while reading the negatives and desperately trying to hang on to what I know to be true.
I appreciate you.
Hurt people hurt people. That’s what I’ve come to know about jaded birthmothers.
Brandy, as in Brandy the moderator (BrandyHagz?)
Really? I want to know. That sucks!
Sandra, I just read the comments here. I’m really sorry about all this. I know you’re by far not the first on to be burned by adoption.com.
If anyone here is interested in reading more of Sandra’s adoption blogs please see them at Adoptive Parents Network.
http://adoptiveparentsnetwork.com/main/index.php?option=com_jd-wp&author=301
Kristen,
Yep. One and the same. Brandy Hagz … the new “editor” on the blogs. Nasty piece of work she is, and a writer of no merit. Before she slithered into her hole and went for complete cowardliness, you could see examples of how unqualified she is to edit anyone by reading, or trying to read, her blog … Quietly Smothering, or something like that … but she ‘password protected’ it as soon as people began going there for that purpose.
Thanks, Melissa. You’re right … I am SO not alone in the been-abused-by-adoption.com-club and now find myself in some pretty good company.
Yes, I’m doing some writing for APN now, and that’s one place people can find my work.
Is it my imagination, or are all the forum moderators “first mothers”?
As an ex-A.C writer as well I can say you’ll find a wonderful life on the other side. …a bit less stress. Keep writing my friend. keep writing.
Thanks, Michelle. I do find myself in some fine company outside A.c.