My son, Jaren, just a couple of months ago
Jaren was, hands down, the smartest human being I have ever known, and the funniest by a long shot. His heart was bigger than his talent, and that’s saying something.
He was a song writer, a guitarist, a singer, a writer, a comic, a bartender, kind, loving, forgiving … a gentle giant of a man who cuddled kittens as often as he tossed obnoxious assholes out of the path of nice people.
Not a simple man, nor always easy, his depth was sometimes missed as his wit took the lead, but no one could know him for long without experiencing a touch of his brilliance.
My life was blessed by him, and losing this son of mine has broken my heart.
I am leaving for California tomorrow night. While there I hope to meet with all his friends, hear all their stories, and feel all the love.
If you are on facebook, please see the group site dedicated to him for details and to read comments from so many who loved him:
Please visit his band’s MySpace page to listen to his voice, his music, his lyrics and his guitar, and his personal page to read a bit of his humor.
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 
Dear Sandra,
My daughter, Robin Bushong in Connecticut, introduced me to your blogs a few months ago and from reading them I have thought that you are someone I would enjoy knowing!
I was heartsick when I read your post this a.m. Having lost a 31 year old son, I am deeply touched by your pain and want to extend my sincere condolences. Your life will forever be altered, but you will find amazing strength that you never realized you had.
Our thoughts are with you and your family as you deal with this difficult time.
Sincerely,
Hope Rice
Enfield, CT
Thank you, Hope. I may very well need to talk to you at some point about getting through this, since you have had a similar horror.
Your words are comfort.
Sandra
(((Sandra)))
Thanks, Mel. I’m taking all hugs and hanging on to them …
Dear Sandra,
Just wanted to express my deepest condolences to you and your family….Jaren and I were together for quite a while and I just wanted to share with you that you were his hero…his whole face would light up when he spoke of you….he loved telling the story of how your husband and you met….and was always reading me your letters…he always looked like he was about 5 when he was tearing into them. What you wrote really sums Jaren up…especially the line about him cuddling kittens as well as tossing assholes out of the path of nice people…my, some people don’t really know their children at all….but, with you…this is certainly not the case…Thank you for your words…I know his eyes would have teared up hearing them…he was a good egg, that one…and he is missed by literally hundreds of people….
With Love, Whitney Briggs
Thank you, Whitney. You have touched my heart so deeply …
Sandra….I am so sad that I can’t be at the memorial….I was under the impression it was taking place some time next week…..I am just heartbroken…I will be out of town….if I could change these plans I would…..Anyway…was hoping to meet you and give you a big hug….I’ll be there in spirit…also my best friend and her husband will be attending and I can feel like I was there through her….stay strong…maybe we can keep in touch from time to time….
With love,
Whitney
Whit, I am so sorry you won’t be there with us all, but will feel your spirit.
Please … keep in touch.
Love,
Sandra
You are in my heart and thoughts all the time. I wish I had met Jaren.
xoxoox
Sandra, I would welcome a conversation or correspondence with you if it could help. I know my daughter Robin has very broad shoulders and a tender heart and will help you carry your pain, as well.
Hope in Connecticut
I know, Hope. Thank you.
Oh Sandra, I am so sorry to hear this. What a tragedy. Just the thought of what you’re enduring has brought big tears to my eyes. Nothing could console me if my son was taken away, even my faith. I am praying for you and all who loved him. Hang in there, Sweetie…
Hanging in there is SO not happening, Dee. Hanging on by my shredded fingernails is almost impossible.
Thank you for your thoughts …
My heart aches for you. To lose a beloved child is beyond any pain that I can imagine. Thank you for sharing about Jaren. I wish I had known him. My loss. The last time I saw him he was just a little tiny toddler. But oh, so cute and smart!
Please know that Roland and I send our love and sincere condolences.
What words can express our sorrow for you? None. How can we help mend your broken heart? Only with our love….we are here for you. We like you for always, and love you forever.
I know you are there for me, V … and I love you.
Sandra,
I was shocked and saddened to hear that Jaren passed away. I was one the the few kids in his graduating class in North Powder Oregon. He was by far the funniest peroson in our highschool. He always made us laugh. The world will not be the same with out Jaren in it. I am truley sorry for your familys loss
So you were one of those 4 girls! I have photos of you somewhere, then. That was a good day!
The world is, indeed, not the same.
Thank you for your words, Melissa.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Jaren and I were quite close in school (we graduated together), I considered him one of my best friends! I recently was able to chat with him via myspace and it was wonderful.
I will always have MANY fond memories of him.
Again, so sorry for your loss.
Tonya
Another one of the 4 girls in the North Powder graduating class. Thank you so much for adding your thoughts here.
There are so many pieces of my son in so many hearts …
I love you and my heart aches knowing the pain you must certainly be in. Sadly, all I can do is remind you to breathe.
I know you’ll forget how, if you haven’t already, so please, just breathe if you can.
(((HUGS)))
But I don’t want to breathe, Lisa …
Sandra, you must keep breathing. Sam and CJ need you to. and writing. because writing is breathing. and when we all read what you have written, the next breath will come a tiny bit easier. Amy
I know, Amy. I know. It will be a while before either breathing or writing come easy to me, though
Really sorry to hear this news Sandra. Take care.
Thank you, Conor.
I would like to express my sorrow and empathy for you at this loss. I knew Jaren for only a few years, but he is one of those people that has a certian charisma and character that is magnetic. I was a photographer that spent some time at the place he worked, and over a few years wound up with photos of him,… one of which you used in this post. If you would like, you are welcome to the full resolution images for your use and remeberance. Just let me know how to get them to you.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Regards,
Morgan
Morgan … I looked for someone to credit for that photo and am so glad you stepped up. I LOVE that shot … it’s so Jaren in all his glory.
I would, of course, love any and all photos you have and are willing to share with me.
I leave for LA tonight and hope meet you there where we can talk. We can then discuss the photos and getting them to me.
Thank you.
no parent should ever have to suffer such agony as this. thinking of you Sandra. (((hugs)))
Thank you, Amy ………..
Sandra… have a safe journey to California. Soon you will be surrounded by all the people who loved your son and knowing how much love and laughter and friendships he had will someday bring you much comfort. perhaps not today, but someday…
Reading all these posts and seeing Jaren’s photos and his beautiful blue eyes, it is easy to see what a beam of light he was and is and how much love he has brought to this earth… and what a better place we are for having had him here… we will be thinking of you often and wishing you peace.
love, Robin and Mike
A bright beam of light, yes … the world is darker from the loss of him.
Thank you.
((((( Sandra )))))
My heart is breaking for you. I am so terribly sorry.
– Faith
Thank you, Faith.
Sandra,
I am so very sorry. Hugs and many prayers!
Lesley
Thank you, Les …
My heart and soul weeps for you dear Sandra. Know my prayers and love are with you right now. I will be in LA myself soon as my sweet sister in law, “Lulu” will be joining Jaren after a long battle with cancer. How comforting to know that a very special person and spirit is waiting to greet her with love and open arms. You will always be “Jaren’s mom” and that is a miraculous gift you two share exclusively. . .take care of yourself, Love, T
Thank you, Therese.
I have no doubt that Jaren will make all who join him feel that they have showed up at the right party.
The more I read about Jaren, the more this seems fitting. (It takes up some space so I understand if you don’t post it.) One song has been running through my head – a classic by the Righteous Brothers:
If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band, band, band
Jimmy gave us rainbows
And Janis took a piece of our hearts
And Otis brought us all to the dock of a bay
Sing a song to light my fire
Remember Jim that way
They’ve all found another place
Another place to play
If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band, band, band
Remember bad bad Leroy Brown
Hey Jimmy touched us with that song
Time won’t change a friend we came to know
And Bobby gave us Mack the Knife
Well look out, he’s back in town
They’ll all be there together
When they meet in one big show
If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band, band, band
There’s a spotlight waiting
No matter who you are
‘Cause everybody’s got a song to sing
Everyone’s a star
(Everybody’s got to be a star)
If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band
If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band
If you believe in forever
Then life is just a one-night stand
If there’s a rock and roll heaven
Well you know they’ve got a hell of a band, band, band.
Sandra:
I’ve been incommunicado these past days and missed your tragic news.
My friend, my dear, dear friend. I am apalled and my tears flow for you and I want so much to put my arms around you and cry with you.
I can do nothing, be nothing for you but your staunchest friend. And I am.
You have my prayers and my love, as always but especially at this time.
If there is ANYTHING I can do for you, you know I would board the plane tomorrow.
Call me, email me, ANY time of the day or night. I will keep my cell phone by my bed. I’ll send you the number on Facebook.
I will pray and pray and pray for you…….
Thank you, Tish …
I get to the States tomorrow and will, for sure, call while I am there.
Sandra I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. I simply cannot imagine losing a child. Have a safe trip to California and know that I am praying for you to have the strength to get thru this somehow.
Thank you, Luann.
Thank you Sandra….I will be thinking of you and Jaren all weekend…and I will keep in touch….is this the best way to do that? Let me know….Big hugs and love…Whit
Sandra, my deepest sympathy to you. Parents are not supposed to outlive thier kids. There is a plan, and overall it is good and wonderful, but it also has parts that are sad and difficult to accept or understand. It sounds like your son aquired many of the wonderful traits that make you who you are.
John
Dear Sandra,
I had the privilege to meet Jaren a few years ago while visiting my daughter in L.A. Jaren befriended Gwen when she decided to remain in Calfornia after her college graduation. Most of her friends left the area, and she didn’t know too many people. He made her feel welcome at Liquid Kitty, and she would drop by from time to time to visit with him.
The night I met him, he treated me like a queen. Gwen told him I loved maraschino cherries, and he filled my Shirley Temple glass to the brim with those cherries. I’ll never forget that. He made me laugh so hard that night. We had a great time.
Gwen will be at the service for him on Sunday. I’m sorry I won’t be there, too. God bless you and Jaren.
Sincerely,
Claudia Offutt
Sandra, My heart is heavy with grief over the passing of Jaren. I extend to you and your family my heartfelt condolence. Jaren and I were great friends in Middle and High School and we launched into developing our own lives when we roomed together our Freshman year at Southern Oregon State College. I’ll never forget Halloween dressed as the Blues Brothers. I admired him for staying true to his character and likes. He attended my wedding in November 1992 and much to my dismay and as life goes, we never caught back up. I did follow him via his bands website and talking through our friend Shane Patterson. I know he was living where he wanted to be, doing what he loved to do and I can only imagine that Jaren has no regrets. Jaren definitely made me a better person as a whole, but most memorable are all the times I look back on and how much Fun it was hanging together! My mother, father and sisters equally enjoyed the times when he was around and experiening his character and humor that resonated as he and I and other friends jawed back and forth! It was a great time in life! I look forward to catching back up with him on the other side…
Sandra,
My heart goes out to you, what an unbelievable loss.
I will be thinking of you and praying you find the strength to get through this difficult time.
Deb
I am so very,very sorry to hear about your son. Our children are supposed to outlive us. Your pain must be enormous. I am so very sorry. Lots of love to you at this time
Was v sorry to hear this. Condolences from the midwest.
Sandra, I haven’t been by in a while. So I was shocked and sad to see this development. I cannot begin to imagine this pain. I am crying for you and at the idea of what it would be like as I sit here next to my brand new son. I have only had four months of experiences so far, you have had my entire lifetime loving and knowing your son. My deepest sympathy. I cannot imagine…I don’t want to.
Karin
Sandra-i have some great pics of jaren that i’ll post in aboout two weeks…they are old enough that i only have hard copies no digi….but suffice it to say that the times i spent with your son will never ever leave m mind. he was a part of some of the greatest moments of my life. its surreal…and i can’t get it out of my mind…..something about jaren was bigger than life and its hard to think about it without him.
My dear Sandra,
Mark & I are so sorry for your loss! We cannot imagine the pain from your loss. The more you love, the greater the pain, and from our brief friendship, we know how big your heart is, therefore your sorrow.
We are here if you need us. Let me know how my family in Seychelles can help you should you need help with the kids in your absence.
Please know that Mark and I send hugs and good thoughts your way.
Love,
Julian & Mark
Mom,
(Sorry, I feel uncomfortable calling parents by their first name, even if they’re not my own.)
I spent a lot of time visiting w/ Jaren during one (of many) low-points in my life. A LOT of time. Several years, almost daily.
I respect Jaren more than anyone could ever know. Despite all of my documented accomplishments, degrees, honor society memberships, professional licenses, titles, etc. that I earned through the years, it was one sentence Jaren stated to me that validated my existence (which, sadly and essentially, “saved my life”): “Teresa, you’re one of the smartest, most intelligent people I know.” (This may be paraphrased; but not exaggerated).
Those simple words alone, coming from Jaren (whether he was just trying to cheer me up or not – but knowing Jaren, I truly believe it was sincere), carried me through a really really REALLY rough patch in my life, when I couldn’t even live day to day; I was literally living hour to hour, always wondering, ‘does it really matter if I live or if I die?’ But when someone you truly respect, shares the sentiment, it’s an honor. And maybe a reason to keep on living.
So, here I still am today, in part, thanks to Jaren believing in me when it seemed no one else did, for lifting my spirits when my heart was heavy, and for being my rock when I was unsure of my footing. Finally, I have the strength to be there for him should he need it…it breaks my heart wondering “what if?” and then rips it out of my chest contemplating all the “shoulda, coulda, woulda”s. He has no idea how much that one statement kept me alive; and now I’ll never know if my presence MIGHT have helped, even if in the tiniest way…
I only have very few true friends, and fewer still are the ones that really “get” me, without passing judgement, and with unconditional love and support. Now, I have one less. I have yet to really accept and know what “life minus Jaren” will feel like…so far, it hurts so much, that both my heart and body are aching miserably. But it’s nothing relative to what you’re going through – I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you’re feeling. I am so sorry. So very sorry. :*(
I will love Jaren forever, and will do everything I can to keep his beautiful spirit alive inside my heart, so I may pass its warmth along to others that may be in need.
With all the love I have in my heart to give,
Teresa
I attended school with Jaren and when I first met him, he was chasing a chicken around with a wheelbarrow in the barn of the ummmm ‘somewhat eccentric’ lady we worked for. He had a knack for making people smile and Im so sorry the world has lost such a special person. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sandra, I read your sad news and at first I didn’t know what to say. All I can think of is that I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m thinking of you all the time. Please take care. Your son sounds like he was an amazing man.
Sandra, we havent been in touch for awhile and I know things have been tough for you…but I do think of you, as do others who have touched my life and I just want to say that although my son Sam never really got a chance to live and therefore I never got to know him as a person, I do think that he would have made as happy a mum as I see you are. My thoughts are with you….many big hugs, Kim (and Guy and Cade) x
Dear Sandra,
We received an e-mail from Cameron Murphy when he learned of Jaren’s passing. Because we also lost a beloved son (and good friend of Cameron), he asked if we would contact you and offer our condolences. Jeffrey died at age 31 in Oaxaca, Mexico, in 2004. A social worker, he shared similar traits with Jaren–intelligent, musical, humorous, kind and loving. It’s been almost five years, but we still hold tight to his memory. Our lives have been shaped by his loss and we still grieve, but grace has allowed us to live more fully one day at a time with love, compassion and insight. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you now and in the years ahead.
Love,
Carol and Eric Waleryszak
Exeter, NH
I’m sorry I missed this Sandra. I hope you continue to cherish his memory.
I carry him with me constantly, Brian. Thank you.
Sandra,
I had the pleasure of being Jaren’s roommate for a few years back in the mid 90’s off of Rennie Avenue. I was so sad to hear of his passing. He was a wonderful man who shared his love of life and his joy in entertaining others to all who met him.
I remember him always speaking of you with fond words. Although you were far away in person, you were close to him in spirit. I am sure he still is thinking and speaking of you this way.
I am a better person for having known him. I pray for your heart to heal.
Thank you, Annette. I recall him talking about you, too, and I’m sorry we never met.
I don’t expect to ever heal, but am getting better a living with the wound.