Through an interesting set of circumstances, it came to pass that we had the wonderful opportunity to spend a lot of time this weekend with our former foster son, T.
He doesn’t like that designation, actually, and suggests that there is no “former” about our relationship and that he will always be our foster son, with the emphasis on “son”.
He no longer calls me Mom … I’m Sandra now … but my title is most definitely “Foster Mom”.
I’m still processing two days and one night with a mix of kids that felt so normal, so right, that the thought of it not happening again is almost more than all of us can bear, so I’ll not yet be writing a lot about weekend. Photos will have to do, for the most part.
Mark’s sister’s daughter, Emilie, was with us at the beach … that’s her peeking out from behind T and me in one shot and walking along the beach with T and Cj. At one point, she and T spend a good deal of time in deep conversation. Another little girl you’ll see more of tomorrow, a bit miffed at being left out, began teasing them about “liking each other”, but the taunt had no impact.
Eventually, it was time for dinner, so T and Emilie joined the group again, but T took me aside.
“Is Emilie really Mark’s niece?” he asked.
I answered to the affirmative and explained the familial relationship.
“Wow!” T said as a huge grin broke out across his darling face. “That means she’s my foster cousin!”
The next morning, he approached Mark’s mother, explained the connection and asked if he could call her “Grandma”.
Family is very important to this boy, and with his bio relations leaving much to be desired I am so happy he continues to take whatever he can from the tenuous, fragile and far too easily manipulated connection to ours.
Some words of wisdom from this nine-year-old wonder …
As I slipped into an emotional trough on Saturday at the thought of this time being our last together, possibly forever, T put his hand on my shoulder and explained carefully, “In my experience, it’s better if you don’t think about endings. Think about middles.”
T reaching out to me …
T and me, and Emilie, too …
An evening stroll for Emilie, Cj, T and Jamie …
The kids and Grandma’s mac&cheese. Note the similarity between T and Sam! Goodballs!
Gorgeous! T will always be part of your family. The wonderful parenting you gave him he will carry with him through his life.
Oh, Sandra. All I can say is I understand, a little bit, your pain and there is no word, no hug, no touch that can take away your pain now. But because I feel so helpless, I’ll at least throw this out.
When I was “at risk” of losing E and realizing how easily another family’s decision could spell loss for me, I had to come up with coping strategies or go mad. There were two things I did. One was exactly what T suggested: think about middles. Memories, at least, are completely mine and I can relive them and cherish them and hold them to me even if I couldn’t hold E. The other was to know that, young or not young, my love for E would be remembered by him. And it would impact his life in a way that wouldn’t be there if he hadn’t known us. I also (I guess this is a third thing) hung on to the belief that he would one day be grown, with his own decisions to make and one of those would be that he would return to me in some small way.
This, and prayer, is all I have to offer, but I offer it to you with all my heart. You will be in my thoughts and in my prayers all day and beyond.
Hang in there, my friend
Thanks Stella and Tisha. Given the circumstances, however, it’s the fear that he might not make it to “grown” that is the worst part of this. There’s not much in the way of safe for him, and it’s a miracle … and a testiment to his survival skills … that he’s still around. The new lifestyle will be even more dangerous and completely without support other than what will pass for that within the walls of whatever dwelling he’ll call home. Heading into his teen years may just up the ante.
Keep the faith, Sandra. Take his advice – how wise for one so young.
Some day a handsome man will come knocking on your door again and say “Hi, Mom. It’s me!” I just know it.
Hey! I’m the girl Auntie talked about in her blog, or Rebecca. Tim is my, I guess, “Half-Cousin” now. He used to be my cousin. 🙂 I really will miss him….
Beautiful photos – sad sad story.
L.
Sandra, amazing how T has grown. However, remember you thought he’d disappeared before, but fate brought him back. He’ll be back…
Yeah. I really agree. 😦
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