Seems a good time to take a bit of a breather from the woes of the world and rein my focus for the day in to the realm of the woes of the woman. Don’t get me wrong, as I’m certainly not saying that many of those woes don’t have the same testosterone-driven cause, but not even I would go as far as to blame earthquakes and tsunamis on the penis-laden.
It’s this article that prompts today’s post, titled, “Why Remarry?”, a look at the idea of doing it again from one not chuffed about the idea.
The other day a younger friend, a woman in her twenties, called to share news of her engagement. She’s been dating a great-seeming guy for about a year, and she sounded exuberant, glowing, over the moon. “Congratulations, Eleanor! I’m so happy for you.” Yadda, yadda, yadda, and we wrapped up the call.
The truth is, as a divorced woman in her forties, it’s hard for me to get excited about anyone’s impending nuptials. Very hard to pretend the divorce and adultery statistics don’t exist, to push into the background my own painful memories of marital discord, the tedium and pain of having the same fights over and over again, the feeling of being unloved and trapped. What I mostly feel for Eleanor and others like her is a jaded sense of “Good luck dear. I’ve been there. Enjoy the good parts and take care of yourself when it’s bad. And try to have some sort of long-term back-up plan.”
No kidding.
Cynical? Sure. And why not? It’s been no bed of roses for so many of us, and the prospects aren’t looking so good through the filter we now attach to those tinted glasses.
Most men require a lot of care. They want to be fed; they require copious dry cleaning; they’re physically large and take up space; they demand attention in ways large and small. All these things are well and good, and I’m often happy to do my part. But why would I sign myself up to have to do it, 24/7? Sex on demand is a beautiful thing, but having the bed to oneself sometimes is equally a treat. Once the kids are old enough to go out and get around on their own, the feeling of liberation is pure bliss. Being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, in your own home! People have fought wars for less. Do you really want to give that up?
Good question! And giving it up in exchange for a lying, cheating bastard who’ll run you ragged, support only what builds him up and may very likely end up leaving you in the lurch? Hm.
Given that the rate of divorce in first marriages in the US is 45% to 50%, and for second marriages that jumps to 60% to 67%, finding bliss seems an illusion, at best.
The not-doing-it-again thing is going around in the world of Western woman, and the idea of opting for single has caught on big time:
According to the 2007 US Census, for those 25 and older, 52 percent of men and only 44 percent of women are likely to remarry after death or divorce. The New York Times analyzed the data and reported that for the first time in recorded history, more women are living without a husband than with one.
… I’ve been surveying girlfriends on this subject, and 14 out of 15 of my married friends, all women over 40, look mortified when I tell them that the subject of marriage has been raised in my current relationship. “No! Don’t do it!” is the swift cry. After that they all say “Why? What for? Isn’t it perfect as is? Living apart, seeing him when you want to? What could be better?” One women at a recent dinner party, married for sixteen years, told me that if she were to find herself single again, not only would she not remarry, she wouldn’t ever have another relationship again!
Okay, that may be a bit harsh, and there are those in the 50% to 55% of marriages who are actually pleased with their situations, content, happy even. Off hand, out of all my friends all over the world I can think of about five women who would change neither their man, nor their circumstance, for anything.
Sure, we tend to hope that we could be one of those women … those living-happily-ever-after-til-death-us-do-part girls … which is my lame excuse for having been down the aisle THREE BLOODY TIMES. And, of course, I’m far from alone in that dream …
I’ve concluded that for me, the biggest draw lies in the smidgen of chance that I could experience something I’ve never had before, the old fairy tale that makes youngsters like Eleanor want to get married. Maybe it would be fantastic. Maybe we’d continue to hold each other in the night in this perfect way, resolve our differences with relative ease. Maybe the emotional rewards would trump most discomfort? That he’d be my partner and best friend always? Hmmm.
Yeah … that.
And what is it with that?
Thankfully, it’s Lent, so my mind isn’t going anywhere near those sorts of thoughts until at least after Easter, and given the level of shit I’ve been wading through lately avoidance is likely to last a hell of a lot longer than forty days.
Should I someday find myself again thinking in terms of sharing not only my life, but my space and legal status with a man, having somehow manage to rid my mouth of that nasty, ashy taste that lingers … well … you may find me writing:
Remind me again what the appeal might be …
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 
So I’m not the only one who believes that marriage is an unnecessary institution?
I’m in my 40s and once my divorce is final, I have absolutely no intention of ever doing such a stupid thing again.
I don’t need to take care of a man. I need to take care of myself! Men can be had with or without marriage. In my experience, they’re much more interesting (and I don’t grow to resent them) if I don’t marry them.
The key, it seems, is no expectations. If I don’t marry him, I don’t have expectations and I can’t be disappointed.
My marriage brought my children into my life and I wouldn’t trade them for anything but I have no use for marriage in the future, thank you very much.
No, Lisa. You are not alone. There seems to be a movement afoot … once the heel is kicked out, the balls take over and we’re instep through the arch of freedom. (Sorry about that … )
As long as we’re dancing barefoot, I’m happy 🙂
I will never give up on love… and intimacy. My soul is too alive to live life without…
But to sign it into law on a piece of parchment
and to blend toiletries and domestic duties and billpay with another…that i can live without…
I will be blissfully happy enough to share wine, soulful moments, treasured dialog and deep, intimate joy and connection with another…
and i will clean my house and he can clean his…
Nice, Robin. Very nice.
“I will be blissfully happy enough to share wine, soulful moments, treasured dialog and deep, intimate joy and connection with another…”
See! That’s what I was looking for the two times I married but the wine, soulful moments, dialog and connection all ended before the ink had dried!
Robin, I’m all for those things and do like to think I might find them with someone but, as you also mentioned, “i will clean my house and he can clean his…”
comments coming later……..finding myself with lots to say lately. 🙂
Looking forward to it, Amy …
we’re good for now. it’s mostly what Robin said!
now I’ve given it a more thorough read, a few thoughts.
most young girls in their twenties or so have dreams of starting a family. for children, the safest place to grow up is as part of a committed, loving family. for this purpose, marriage is a good thing.
a new marriage has the best chance for success with a lot of mentoring. preferably from the people closest to the couple, with the longest history possible. People who have already invested significant time and energy.
differences worth resolving are never, ever resolved easily.
for a person who has already created their family, and then finds themselves without a spouse, embarking on a new marriage brings about a conflict of interest.
a committed, monogamous, intimate relationship does not require a legal entanglement.
one big disadvantage to legal marriage for an older person, especially one with significant accumulation of material assets, is rights of inheritance. for instance, I would personally wish for the assets accumulated during our 28 yrs of marriage to pass on to the children produced by that marriage.
another personal point here is not that my marriage has been so bad. there have been many, many ups and downs. but my hubby has set the bar very high, which would make it exceptionally difficult to find a person even beginning to approach his level of accomplishment in the matter.
my heart hurts for the people in the world who are lonely and injured. I’ve seen good people, very good people, who were/are lonely and injured, through no fault of their own.
Many, many good points here, Amy. Thank you.
ditto on the two times Lisa… still longing for the elusive soulfulness thingy… and two times too many i misinterpreted a glossy presentation of soulful intention for the real thing…
the real thing is soulful through and through…bones and flesh and heart…true… and uncompromising…
the real thing is brave enough to trudge thru the muck and mud…the raw reality of humanness in the pleasant and not so pleasant form it takes… sometimes all in one day…
because he knows…the gift. the intimacy that which can only be found when one digs in deep and fearless to feel every little imperfect thing we all have to offer…
the pure vulnerability of love…
most people are entirely too conditional to ever get there. sigh.
Sigh …
I understand what you are saying, but trust me women are no saints, they have their fair share of breaking man, cheating, lieing and playing games. I think both men and women have lost most of their humanity, respect and love. We are no longer even human, how can we be mates.
Most of us are animals and beats out on the hunts to feed, be it with a cock between legs or a cunt. We are slitting through the mud of human gen pool my dear.
No offense I think that the strong, mothering, shining example of womanhood is as gone and dead as that what in my mind constitutes as being a real man.
what I feel about love and relationships is just another way I do not fit in this millennium 😉
Yes, women can be duplicitous pigs, too, and in general I agree with your assessment of humanity. When getting specific, however, I see light and hope, as there are some amazing people around. It’s finding them that’s the tough part as we slide through the mud. I’ve spent no little time lately in an internal debate over how at-the-mercy we are of our genitals … and all those involve … and am presently of the mindset that it’s not the animal urges that are the problem, but rather the “more evolved” issues of ego, insecurity and a sense of entitlement that has many demanding to HAVE IT ALL.
I’d be very interested to hear how you define a shining example of womanhood and a real man.
I agree, there are some amazing people around and if there were no light of hope, living might become impossible.
Oh dear you are so VERY right, the animal urges are simple, they are not the problem, they eat, sleep, fuck and shit, not necessarily in that order. The whole survival of the fittest is natures law. However it is when we interject humanity, or what some peoples definition of humanity into the equation the problems start. most of us make life and love so much more complicated with silly rules, the need to have our egos polished and all the other crap out there that we make something that could be simple and fun into the worlds hardest job….surviving.
hehe well its odd, its one of those things that I know when I see, but can be hard to explain. But for me, first of all a men is measured by his ability and dedication towards keeping true to his word. He is strong, he stand by his responsibilities, he is honest, stands up for what he believes in, protects those who need protecting. Fights for what is right, is loyal. Women and I can say this and mean it, women have the capability to be the strongest creatures on this earth, if most could get their shit together. Women are strong, elegant, loving, caring, but again someone who can stand up for themselves and for those they love
I think the true definition of men and women actually comes into play when they are together. The simplest explanation is that they are there for each other, responsibility is shared 50/50, loyalty and respect is complete.
I am finding this hard to explain, so I will give you an example.
I will give you an example, there is a body builder name named Jay Cutler, He married his high school sweetheart, now this girl has been standing besides him all his career, she works, takes care of the house so he can focus on what he does, and he can reach his goals. Him (as far as I know) NEVER forgets her, she shares in all he achieves, he never fails to give her credit for what she has and does do. He does not go around fucking girls cause he can.
Now I would give up anything in this world for a girl like that, that would stand behind me like that, stand with me, there would be NOTHING I could not or would not do for her.
Hehe ok just woke up after 5 hours of sleep, some business stress in the morning so this may not be very well written and we may need to explore my answer some more 🙂
Hm …
I’m not seeing survival as an issue for most of the people who live in industrialized nations … although most certainly it’s a hard job in many places in the world. Those who have never known hunger, have always had a roof over their head, take the basics of survival for granted and feel cheated when it doesn’t come along with a whole lot more. It seems the expectation of MORE, MORE, MORE leaves people open to all the other crap, including insecurity, ego monsters and attendant cruelty that sometimes is used to fill gaps.
Your description of real men and women has a strong traditional ring to it, and I like it! Not all couples … even all solid couples … fall along these lines, as it works well for some to have the balance shifted a bit differently, but bottom line is honesty and respect.
Your body builder friend and his wife sound like a couple that have the mutual respect necessary to do a relationship right. It sounds wonderful.
And now I have to ask the cosmos: Why are you only 30? … Shit …
I almost never leave comments, but I stop over and read now and then. Just wanted to say you can count me in your half a dozen friends who have found wedded bliss. It’ll be twenty-five years this year, so I guess I’m qualified to sincerely say, it ain’t easy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hope you are well. We are still kicking, and getting ready for another adoption. Your kiddos must be getting huge. Take care of yourself.
Nice to hear from you, Scraps. Consider yourself counted … and lucky! Congrats on all.
Kids are big, yes … Sam is 8 now and Cj will be 6 in a couple of weeks. The do grow, don’t they?
Look out. They’ll be teens in no time. We have five teens at home, navigating learning to drive, first jobs, boyfriends, graduating. Life is flying by so fast, it doesn’t seem right. Our new little one is small though, so I’ll gt to enjoy that for a fleeting moment. There really is no bad age though. So enjoy!
I loved it when my grown kids were teens and am still close friends with many of their friends from that time, although those kids are married with kids now. There is no bad age, I agree!
Well, I’m going to run against the tide, aren’t I? LOL I, too, can say “been there, done that” (more than once!). Had certainly subscribed to the theory there was little point in buying a pig when sausages are so cheap.
Yes, OK, I will acknowledge we haven’t spent a great deal of actual time together yet but let me say I wasn’t about to be convinced of taking THAT leap again very easily! Not at my age. Not with young children involved.
You know, friends used to say I was single by choice (true) and that love doesn’t fall out of the sky. I will say it can creep up when you least expect it though.
Scraps – I’m with you. Well, no, not the 25 year bit (CONGRATS by the way), but I do believe it is possible.
Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic!
The international angle does come into play, Robyn. The last time I contemplated jumping the broom yet once again, issues of residence were at the top of the list on the “reasons for” side.
As for hopeless romantic … well … shit …
I was NOT a hopeless romantic for about 11 years! I would have said the same thing!
Just goes to show that life is unpredictable. Well, the end is predictable, but everything up until then can change in a split second, or over a week, a month……
I didn’t remind you what the appeal might be, as you asked. I think some time needs to past first….
… time needs to pass …
Buying new fingers tomorrow – or new synapses.
When you’re at the finger/synapse store, can you pick up a few extras for me, please.
The … shit … was not because hopeless romantic doesn’t exists in me, but the reverse. Shit. I takes very little to shake that out of my tree, and your tale rattles, Robyn.
Ahhhhhhhhh – adding light bulbs to the shopping trip!
A cattle prod might not be bad purchase, either … ZAP!
Oh true, the thing is that as long as our stomachs are empty, there is nothing more important, however when our stomachs are full the world is full of issues :p Like a some reasons that a relationship ends is beyond my comprehension, like how do you stop loving someone if you really loved them in the first place? I have never been able to do that, I mean… I have moved on cause shit happened, but they are still there, still… inside me… still someone I once loved. What does it mean to loose passion in a relationship? I mean is passion not something that burns our for most (not all of course) but if it replaced by a calm, comfort and the feeling of calmness why is that seen is “we are only room mates” what does that mean? can most of us go around and be all passion all the time? and “can’t keep my hands off you” for the rest of one’s life? sounds tiring to me lol.
Personally I want a girl whom I can sit quietly on the couch after a long day at work…just watching TV.. slightly caressing her hand. Be content and know that there is no place else. But it seems it is not enough any more….
Yes I guess in many ways I am old school, not the whole “a women’s place is in the kitchen” type thing, but you know I think femininity in a women is a admirable trait and something only they can do well no matter how shifted roles me become if you know what I mean, in the same way, showing a humbled but strong respect is so very suited for a real man.
It does, its just beautiful to watch, though he is not my friend but a an American mr olymia. But as for me, any girl gives her all to make my dreams come true, I am willing to sell any dream to have.
~stifles a laugh~ Dear Sandy what do you mean by “And now I have to ask the cosmos: Why are you only 30? … Shit …” ???