I have something I need to get off my chest, and I need to do that now if it’s going to be out of my system by Monday. If you’re not in the mood to listen to me whine and watch me wallow, click here now and come back in a few days when I’ve managed to pull myself out of my own ass long enough to write about something interesting.
If you decide to stay for the train wreck, it starts with:
I HATE CHRISTMAS !!!!
The kids come home after a week with their dad day after tomorrow … that will be the 13th of December, more commonly referred to as 11 days before Christmas … and before they rush in all excited and ready to put up the tree I must exorcise the ghosts of Christmases past, work off my Grinchy Scrooginess, or Scroogie Grinchishness … whatevahhhhh … and be ready to put on some semblance of a show of festive cheer.
Oh, goodie.
Pathetic, aren’t I? And what a crap mom.
Guilt is only one ornament dangling from the just-slightly-too-green branches of the fake tree I’ll be un-boxing (Thankfully, the tree spins, so is tacky enough to be mildly amusing.), although its multifacets do make it impressive. From one angle it looks like memories and regrets over past Christmases, those occasions when Jenn and Jaren were small. From another, it’s Christmas present, this one right here, right now … the one Sam and Cj and I were supposed to be in Mexico for, but instead will find us opening gifts on the morning, then … who knows? Then there’s the future angle that will have me writing a summation of the year on Christmas night to go in the box when I take the tree down just in case this is the last one I’m around for.
Loneliness is another decoration pulled out for this fucking holiday, reminding me Christmas Eve will see me putting the gifts out, turning out the lights and sleeping alone … again.
Isolation, that dull, lead lump I’ll stick on a bottom branch, brings to mind the fact that all of my family but Sam and Cj and everyone I shared my life with before moving to this rock is thousands of miles away.
Worry is a particularly unattractive bit of fluff, but comes along with gift buying and the realization that the next Christmas will come around faster than a kettle boils.
Annoyance is bright and shiny and made in China. It hangs everywhere making shops here look like the aftermath of an attack of vomiting elves. What is it about this holiday that has people thinking astoundingly ugly sparkly shit all of a sudden has esthetic appeal? And what’s with that fucking music?
Yeah, yeah … I know how lucky I am. I have a roof over my head, wonderful children, amazing friends. I can walk and talk and write and drive. We’re not hungry. We don’t live in a war zone and aren’t likely to find ourselves forced into refugee status. I live in a beautiful place. And if I just focused on all that instead of the negative crap … if I quit indulging in self-pity … if I embraced the holiday … if I pulled myself out of my own ass and aimed my energy at Sam and Cj and at making this a joyful, happy time they will incorporate into their memories of a happy childhood … if I did all that stuff … this just might end up being a not-too-bad Christmas with some fun to be had with hugs and love and laughs going around.
But first I needed to get this out of my system. By Monday I’ll be ho-ho-fucking-hoing. In the meantime, please excuse me from the festivities.
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 
I hear ya. Christmas wouldn’t be so ANNOYING if were only 1 day a year. In most of the USA, Christmas starts before Halloween and continues until the day after . . Christmas.
You are excused and all your feelings are totally valid. I hate Christmas too and if it was not for the other folks in the house this place would look no different then any other day. That being said I apparently have no idea what I’m talking about these days ever and if this were my last Christmas I would be a lot happier.
We don’t hate the holiday here, but am so right there with your struggles. Our family too, will follow through with all the right actions, and the feelings will follow to a certain extent. It’s good to acknowledge the bad stuff, because no amount of good stuff can ever make it go away.
Sending you a virtual cup of earl grey.
Amy
Thanks, Amy … I’m sipping …
All I can say is that I hear you, Sandra. I’ve been there many times myself. Thank goodness I don’t have young children.
There are no easy answers. However, during the last year I’ve been taking some workshops about how to have peace and joy in ones life. One of the things recommended is to not deny your feelings. Go right into any perceived negative feeling you have. Do it up real good. Go right into it and it will pass eventually, using the theory that what you resist, persists.
I admire your honesty and courage to write about it.
Love the song!
Another Grinch here. The one thing that has helped for this Christmas – after years of my urging that fell on deaf ears, my family adopted a family in lieu of buying each other gifts we don’t need/want/like. It actually provided some meaning to giving.
Alexa that is the best idea I’ve ever heard and really is the true meaning of Christmas…….Bravo.
Yeah, Alexa … what Robbie said …
I clicked on your blog moments after writing to a friend…”I hate Christmas…There, I’ve said it”…
Last Christmas, I spent going through my boxes of ornamental memorabilla separating mine from my ex husbands. a division of property and sentiment. Our ornaments would never intermingle again…
and two years ago, like you, I gave up the fresh tree and opted for the one in the box. Though, mine doesn’t spin. It also doesn’t smell like pine or allow for any cuttings to be taken to dress up the mantle… well. and thats another thing. i have no mantle in the town house so have no idea where to hang the stockings.
Christmas. the largest consumer event that could basically feed the entire planet. China wins…while the world goes through the motions of hyjacking jesus as an excuse to buy more stuff… im with you all the way. xo
You have a perfect right to feel the way you do, after the last 4 difficult years. I think it is healthy that you have this avenue to vent your frustrations and saddness so that you can gather the strength to be such a wonderful mother. I have no doubt you will find it in you to create a happy Christmas memory for your children.
The song had both Lanny and I laughing…but the first laugh I had was when I opened your blog and saw the picture! What a small world it is. A friend of mine from my high school days in Japan is the person who created that particular Christmas decoration. He lives in Florida and his neighborhood have a decoration contest each year. He causes constirnation because his are always controversial, but obviously they are also very popular, as evidenced by how quicly this picture spread in cyberspace. This decoration was from two years ago (I’ll have to email him to see what he has come up with for this year). He told me that he had to take his “hanging man” down after only 3 days as it caused too many people to come running to help. His next door neighbor came home from work, saw “him” hanging and fell down and hurt himself in his hurry to get there with a ladder to help. His wife made him take it down after they ended up with deep tire ruts all over their front lawn when a passerby drove up onto the lawn in his hurry to help! His decoration from last year also made google and youtube. It showed a boy peeing off the roof, with the stream of pee lit up with tiny lights. You may have seen that one too?? In fact that one goes right along with your sentiments…piss on it all! Jane
From November onward to February the whole season sucks.
ME TOO! I’ve always ……… I won’t say hated…… not liked Christmas. When I was a child, we lived 22 miles from the nearest church. My mother didn’t drive. Why, I have no idea – after all she had held a driver’s licence in Australia, but didn’t like the narrow unsealed roads in the New Zealand countryside. EVERY damn Christmas morning my parents would have a blazing row about my father not driving my mother to church. Why the hell they didn’t discuss this in August or September, I have NO idea. I remember her setting out to walk the 22 miles on more than one occassion.
Consequently, Christmas has always held rather sad memories for me.
Of course, this year I had hoped for a more joyous Christmas, but thanks to the Australian government, like you I will curl up in bed ……. alone.
All around me people are in the Christmas spirit – one woman at work even wears flashing red and greed earrings.
I want to hide.
Slap the bitch with the fucking earrings, Robin! Might make you feel better and stop the flashing.
Which just gave me an idea … how about a Santa necklace that has him flashing, as in pull out his dick … a metaphorical “Fuck Christmas”, yet festive in a way …
Good idea about a Santa necklace – might have to see if I can find one!
Certainly gave me a evil grin!
My mother came for a visit a few weeks ago and “helped” me get my decorations out. She and my boyfriend will be the ONLY TWO people in the world that see them. I lead a pretty lonely life at the moment and it depresses the FUCK out of me every time I look at those decorations.
Hating Christmas, right along with you. Thanks for saying it.