I can’t believe I am composing this post … especially after the last one.
I learned yesterday that my ex-husband, Scott, killed himself on Tuesday. He would have been 60 on the 27th of this month.
I have been in contact with his wife, Lauren, lending as much support as possible as she tries to absorb this shocking turn of events and wonders: WHY? WHY? WHY?
They have an 11-year-old son … now the same age as Scott was when his father died, also at 58, a tragedy he never learned to live with.
Scott and I were together for 13 years through the ’80s and early ’90s .. the formative years for my older kids … and our relationship was tumultuous, some would say toxic, for most of that time.
It was “Life in the Fast Lane” in every way, not unusual for the time … not one bit healthy, but also never dull.
He was an ad man, so we lived in a social whirl, drove fast cars, traveled the world, drank and smoked too much, and fought like caged ferrets … others referred to us as “The Scott and Sandra Show”, being so drama-charged in our interactions that it was hard to miss the “entertainment value” of our dysfunctional team.
He was an unfaithful spouse, a good-looking man-about-town charmer with a smile that lured women like rats to peanut butter. He was self-involved and often cruel … but I loved him for a long time.
In 1993, I bought myself an around-the-world ticket and left for a year. I needed to get my head together, and couldn’t do that while in the same house, or hemisphere, with him. My kids had grown and moved out and I felt I had completely lost the plot.
He threw a huge party for me, and gave me a compass. He pasted a photo of him inside it and wrote, “So you find your way back” across it.
I didn’t. I found Mark instead, so my return had me staying for only 3 months … time enough to pack what I wanted to take of my old life for my move to England, and to get divorced.
For the past 15 years, he would often phone when drunk and want to talk about our life together. I was the repository of memories … him retaining very few details … and he mined that in me when he could, asking for names and dates and places and recollections.
He contacted me two weeks ago, wanting to give some comfort over the breakup of this marriage of mine, and told me that it had taken him four years to get over my leaving. Whether or not that was some sort of “clearing the decks” act, I will never know, but there was no indication that anything was seriously amiss.
He left no note, and the questions fly around the thought of him at a million miles an hour from hundreds of people.
I cannot believe I end another blog with this, but RIP, Scott. You live in my heart, and always will.
I hate the turn of the year …
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Oh, Sandra. So much in so few days.
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry, Sandra.
Any untimely death is tragic, but God. Suicide is so senseless and sad.
I lost a friend to it myself, many years ago, and had to hold his father, a strapping ex-special forces veteran, as he cried in my arms at the loss of his son. There is something so confusing, so guilt-inducing, so infuriating about it.
My thoughts and deepest sympathy go to you and your family.
Thank you, Lisa, Coco.
Still processing this …
Shit.
So sorry, Sandra.
I have been reading your blog faithfully – keeps me sane and interested while snowbound with a three year old.
Lesley (romee)
Thanks, Leslie …
I can’t even imagine snowbound anymore, and that’s okay.
I love knowing you’re here with me regularly.
Sandra, Kit just called me to tell me via her sister about Scott’s suicide. It is very hard to comprehend. I am glad that he contacted you not too long ago. I remember the Scott and Sandy show OH so well! What an insane time. I am thinking of you and Lauren and Alec. I am so sorry that all of you, including Scott, are experiencing such suffering and sadness.
Love, Diane
I am so sorry to hear this. It’s tragic no matter what the age of a person, because they are cutting off all their possibilities, and leaving others to wonder why, and what they did wrong. My son’s birth brother killed himself by hanging, leaving my son to the terrible neglect of their birthmother. My son misses that much older brother, who was like a father to him, very much. I can only salve his wounds so much. I cannot erase that pain.
You made the best decision you could make for YOUR life when you got out of that toxic relationship, so I hope you don’t feel bad for your ex.
I hope your new year has more positive and happy things in it than 2008!!
XOXOXO
Dee
Diane,
You were witness to many episodes of the S&S show, for sure … good and bad (and, yes, the bad were very bad and more likely and frequent than the good).
Right now, although I can clearly recall the toxicity, it’s the good times, the times he was caring and sharing, that come back to me.
We were never boring, heh?
Please give my best to Kit and Wendy, and let me know if you attend the service. Jenn will be coming out for it, so please give her as much support as possible. She’s suffering.
Love,
S
Sandra-I am glad that I found your blog on here. I hope you will not be offended that I am writing on here as I am not family.
I have worked with Scott in Media for the past few years and I interacted with him frequently. I am sorry for your loss and of course for the rest of his family and have been praying a lot for them. I was supposed to see him on December 23rd to give him his Christmas present, as we were going to touch base that morning to pick a time to meet that afternoon. When I did not hear from him I knew something was wrong. In the late afternoon I received an email from him stating that he was no long the agency of record for Niello. I was sad to hear this and emailed him immediately and told him that I didn’t know what to say & that I felt awful and was sitting on my sofa with his Christmas bottle of wine and his card crying. His response was “Me Too”. Those were the last words that he spoke to me. Yesterday when I came into the office i had planned on calling him to see if he still wanted to meet but before I made the phone call I learned of the news. I am devastated and will miss him greatly. Yes he was moody and take it out on me at times but he’d always apologize in some way by his actions even if he didn’t come right out and say it. He was very thoughtful and kind to me. I will miss him very much.
I loved reading what you wrote because I am glad that he lived a fast fun life in his younger days as I did. I hope he is in a good place now. Thank you Sandra for posting so I could know more about him. May Scott rest in peace.
Sandra,
Like Nikki, I am not a family member. In fact, I only met Scott once during the course of my ongoing ad sales career, although my boss–who informed me of what just happened–knew him very well over the last 20 or so years while conducting ad transactions for Niello within the pages of our publication.
I wanted to find out more, so I Googled his name and came upon your website and read your poignant post. My boss had told me that he lived a hard-driving life and could be quite tempestuous, but that he ultimately had a soft heart. I pray that he is in a good, forgiving place and that you and your family heal from this tragedy and that the existing bonds of relationships with those around you strengthen as a result.
God bless.
sandra..dearheart!
just heard today about scott.
so shocked and saddened by it.
and so sorry that you have to endure both of your losses at your most disliked time of year (or anytime).
never knew scott more than as a mutually carousing..drinking pal from time to time. his sense of humor was always good company.
will always remember that wry but coy smile that would spread over his face..when he saw or heard something that tickled him.
i too discovered what a rogue he was as he hustled suzanne reese (who sadly committed suicide a few years ago) while i was dating her.
that they ever gotiton during that time wouldn’t surprise me (that behavior eventually ended our dance)..even as he and i were hoisting and hustling on other eves together.
like me..with my wonderful kristen..it sounds (from his personal website i just found) like he had found peace and happiness with lauren and alec. i hope so.
i missed that era but colette had told me of the ‘s ‘n s’ show.
i met you and jennifer after that time. you were a special pair. and now even better with age..i’ll bet.
wow..colette and lance..and all the others..and now scott.
if i think about it for more than 2 minutes..i get pissed all over again.
so i try not to.
how have i survived 76 years? genes..only genes i guess. something wrong with this picture. but again..i don’t think about it..except to count the blessings and damn the losses.
if there is a service i’d like to go.
warn jennifer..there’s a hug coming..from an ole’ fart.
hang in there..
stan
Sandra,
I met Scott a few times within the context of the industry in which we both worked, although I am absolutely sure he would not have remembered who the heck I was or what I did. However, I did perceive some of the character flaws in him that you mentioned–and yet I’m torn about how I feel regarding your post.
Part of me could discern the depth of the hurt you must be feeling, for which I am truly sorrowful, but the other part of me questions why, in your first public remembrance about him, you would include mention of his deficiencies and transgressions and whether or not that is appropriate to do.
Given his addictive, self-absorbed personality to which you alluded, I would think you would have enough personal awareness of the frailty of the human condition to realize that the man was obviously hurting a lot, and yet it seems that your disclosure of his infidelity during your marriage in such an open forum as this–immediately upon the heals of his suicide– is tantamount to kicking someone who’s already as down as he can possibly be–and, I think, performs a harmful disservice to others who may have been touched more positively by his life.
While people may never completely recover from the pain of toxic relationships, it seems that enough time should have passed by now since your divorce for you to have healed to the point where you could see fit to at least refrain from engaging in a somewhat negative e-eulogy, as it were…particularly given the tranquil and tropical surroundings in which you are blessed to find yourself. Instead, you chose to share unresolved anger over righteous compassion and proportionate discretion.
Take care,
JC
JC,
Knowing Scott as well as I did, when composing this post I was fully aware of the fact that he would love it. This is a tribute to him.
He was never ashamed of what some would perceive to be faults and many times voiced frustration that I didn’t write more about the S&S show. The times I did, he was right pleased.
If others choose to see this as a negative e-eulogy, as you put it, they didn’t know the man.
I did, and I loved him for a very long time … warts and all … and hold no unresolved anything. Between us, we were okay.
Because this is my personal blog, I write my feelings, and although some consider it too public a platform, honesty is the basis of my agenda.
No one is compelled to read me.
I thank you for your heart-felt comment.
Hi Sandra
just minutes ago, I received a call from Lauren to tell me of Scott’s passing. To say that I am still in a state of shock is a vast understatement. Quite honestly, I loved the man. We had worked together for about 10 years, and he was nothing but pleasant, and in our industry, something not too common, loyal.
I had no idea of the full nature of his inner demons, I was aware of a hard living past, but he seemed so settled with Lauren, and was totally besotted and proud of his son Alec. Our sons are about the same age, so we often talked about them, their latest favourite things and our relationships with them. I will miss him dearly. When he told me that Niello were suspending any further work indefinitely, the thought that crossed my mind was, “shit, I won’t be seeing Scott for a while”. During that phone call I asked him what he was doing and he said “plotting my own demise”, I can’t help but think that he was more serious than I imagined.
I wonder if he was passing a message to me then, that I never fully picked up on. I assumed at the time it was a gallows humour thing about losing his advertising account, but never thought it would result in such a drastic result.
We are all of us damaged to a certain degree, that does not makes us less of a human being. My thoughts are with all who new and loved him. I miss him dearly and hope he has found peace. May his family find peace also.
Sandra, I was a close friend of Scott and his brother Lee Adamson. I just learned of his passing yesterday. I live in Lodi, Calif, and I was raised on the Sacramento Delta in Walnut Grove. Scott and Lee were my neighbors and school classmates. I lived two ranches down from them and we spent much time together in our childhood. Scott was a dear friend and we had many good times together as well as his brother Lee. I lost track of Scott many years ago but knew he was doing well with Niello and his other business iterests. I talked with Lee last night and caught up on old times. All he said was Scott committed suicide, no details. Not that I want them, but he was so full of life it;s hard to understand that. Anyway, my sorrow goes out to you. At least you had some time with a wonderful man.
Respectfully, Phil Frieders