Readers now know the past few months have had me in a personal hell that I’m finding very difficult to rise above, to move along, to get myself back into life and seeing colors again.
Food, sleep, concentrated thought, energy of anything but the nervous type escape my abilities almost completely, and I’m perpetually frustrated by how easily confused I am about the simplest of things; I can’t even seen to keep track of my phone and my keys without relying on an energy-sucking system of constant double checking and everything requires a vigilance that used to come effortlessly as a matter of course.
I’m shaky and constantly exhausted, terrified of eventualities that may or may not occur, but certainly hit me like a ton of bricks throughout every day, and especially at night.
Spending some time contemplating the weak state I’m in and all the physical and emotional stress my present reality has presented me with took me on a mental spin around the world, and with a bit of forcing direction that trip outside my own misery has pushed my puny problems into a rather tidy, if bitter, pill I am able to swallow and manage to keep down.
As most know, two of my kids are Cambodian born, and anyone with a grip on recent history is familiar with the what happened in that country in 1975.
Quick reminder:
April 17, 1975, the Khmer Rouge forced every citizen of the city of Phnom Penh to leave their homes carrying only what they could on their backs and head into a blankness that would not be explained. For the following three years, these people and others from other towns were starved, beaten, murdered, separated from their families, forced into slave labor building damns doing other such demanding labor that anyone well fed would suffer greatly, and almost 2 million people died. Many were tortured mercilessly, and there is no shortage of the evidence of this horror still to be seen today in Cambodia.
Today, millions of people are suffering in the same ways every single day, watching their children die, living as sex slaves, working until they drop with nothing but a lash at their back and very little food in their stomachs.
So, what the hell am I bitching about?
The love of my life has lost his mind and left me for a whore, tearing apart my lovely little family and leaving me scared and lonely. The way I’ve been feeling, the impact this has had on me, makes me question just how long I could survive … how long I would choose to survive … a horror of truly immense proportions like so many must.
I’m a wimp.
It’s time to remind myself just how wonderful my life still is. Sure, my husband is a sleazy creep who has lost his mind, but I know that my life will be just fine, and I need to buck up and keep in mind just where it is in the scheme of things I am lucky enough to inhabit.
Perspective is a good thing. It doesn’t take away pain, but it sure gives it context.
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 
Holy crap!! I am not sure how I missed all of these posts, but I’m only reading this today.
I am so so so so sorry.
And what a stupid wanker!
I haven’t had this happen to me, but I have been betrayed and I think that what hurts most of all isn’t what is happening in the finding out, or dealing with the fallout or preparing for the future, it’s the going over all the beautiful memories and realizing that you didn’t really know that person at all. The suddenly seeing someone as a stranger is so painful and you aren’t deserving of this.
Your poor kids too…
Crap…I’m not sure what all to say except that it’s all just so horrible and disgusting.
Also, when he comes groveling back to you ( this time he’s on HIS knees) and begging you to take him back, and at some point he WILL do this…you stay strong. Let him fall back into the world he has chosen for himself. It’s a world that doesn’t include the joy of his family, of spirit or of substance. Your world will be very different. Take strength in that.
Again…so sorry.
Tina
Oh man Sandra, What sleeze. Of course this betrayal would knock you on your rear, it would any woman. It taints everything with mud.
There is life after this as you know. I hope this is just a one time short lived betrayal and he gets his mind back. I don’t think this man is a habitual cheater like your first husband, if that is a positive thing. He will have to look at the faces of his children and know he has obliterated their family and might even feel guilt and shame.
UGH- WHY do some spouses do this and why is there scum out there that set their sights on married people???
(((hugs))))))
I have a thought – I take 500 mg. of St. John’s Wort every morning and at night with dinner. It has really helped keep me calm and saved my sanity through some trying times. It’s herbal, no prescription needed. I would be glad to mail you some if you can’t get it sent there for some stupid reason.
Hang in there!
Dee
You know it’s good to keep perspective about suffering in the world, but it’s mighty cold comfort to tell yourself to suck it up since folks are starving somewhere else. Your pain is real, and it doesn’t make you a wimp because you don’t feel up to taking on any more. The fact is, we all whine. If our troubles are small, or medium sized, or huge ones. People who don’t whine to some degree worry me. Sometimes it indicates hopelessness, or giving up the fight. You don’t impress me as the hopeless, give up the fight sort. You seem more like the “I’ve been sucker punched, and I need to catch my breath” kind. So I expect we’ll all hear more whining before you’re through to the other side. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Oh, I hadn’t seen this either. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
“Perspective is a good thing. It doesn’t take away pain, but it sure gives it context” – profound and important statement Sandra.
With you all the way,
Lisa