The discussion on open records and demanding that birth certificates are not only available, but also unaltered and containing the truest information available has be ratcheted up a notch with this story out of the UK about twins who’d been separated at birth meeting as adults, falling in love and marrying.
When Mark and I met, one of the strongest emotions I experienced was a feeling of recognition, an instant awareness that this person was important to my life, that a part of me I hadn’t even realized was missing had finally been found … I felt whole.
Having experienced the intensity of that love-at-first-sight connection, I can imagine how amazing the attraction would be if the soul mate had actually been a womb mate back when the soul was first forming. Coming to that relationship with none of the filters society and biology preps us with … and even non-humans react to the “incest taboo”, a fact I’ve seen for myself in populations of captive non-human primates and one that Darwin observed and wrote on … including not even the basic knowledge of the bio connect is a recipe for … well, for stuff that isn’t supposed to happen.
Some of those commenting on the Telegraph’s version of the story are suggesting DNA testing for all marriage applicants, but it seems a much easier, less costly and less intrusive addressing of the issue could be done by providing everyone with the information of exactly who they are.
DNA tests should not be trotted out as the modern form of identification unless we really want a world where people get into the practice of picking future spouses only after checking out that their genes prove them to be free of anything that could complicate matters someday in the future.
Frankly, folks, I find the thought of marching down the aisle into the arms of the love of my life with a report letting me know that he has a genetic propensity toward bowel cancer and baldness in hand just a bit less romantic a notion that I would like to embrace on my wedding day.
I would, however, be very happy to know if the man giving me away is biologically connected to me and assured that the one he is giving me to most certainly isn’t, and that seems a right as basic as any.
A couple of notes to readers:
I had almost three-quarters of a long post written when my computer did something fishy and ate everything on my desktop. The post was in response to Joy’s response to a comment on a blog from last week. I was in the process of thanking her for an amazingly heart-felt lesson on how adoption impacts her life with vivid descriptions of the physical manifestations she has suffered.
I am sorry not to give this the space it should have, but I spent all my energy on the first draft and I’m too wrung to reconstruct. I’ll hit the salient points, however …
Her writing went a long way toward bridge building, and I am very grateful for the time and energy she spent educating and informing those of us who have come to adoption from other angles. I am also hopeful that through such conversations as this … and it most certainly is a conversation people are listening to … progress will be made toward the day when everyone approaching adoption will be armed with ALL the information.
I do not see any readers here taking issue with Joy’s demand that no child should ever come to be adopted unnecessarily.
I hesitate to ask Joy if she thinks her adoption was unnecessary, since that would be voyeurism in the extreme, but do not doubt that many adoptees suspect that to be their case or know this as fact after reunion.
By sharing her story, she has taken great steps to help build a world where it becomes more likely that potential adoptive parents, understanding better her own personal pain, will demand that any child coming to them have absolutely no other option, and where birth mothers have a deeper understanding of more consequences of relinquishment. The more we all know and understand, the more power we have, and the less manipulation is possible. Education is the key.
Thank you, Joy.
The other note:
For those ready and willing to increase involvement in the run-up to the Adoptee Rights Protest, Gershom will be providing some direction for us as soon as she’s cleared the decks, and her desk, and can devote a bit of time giving us some guidance.
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 
Ugh, how truly awful for those two poor people; can you even imagine? My heart goes out to them.
If each twin had access to their biological records, however, but had the last name of their adoptive parents, how would they have known they were brother and sister? Since they didn’t know they were twins, the idea “I could meet and marry my twin” wasn’t in their heads, so looking alike (if, indeed, they do) woulndn’t have been a tip off.They would have had different last names and meeting each other’s families wouldn’t have raised any issues, either, since the adoptive parents wouldn’t have known the biological mother’s name and, even if they did, how would they make the connection between a child with a different last name and the adoptive mom. Even if the children had borne a striking resemblance to the biological mom, it may not have sparked recognition for the aparents all those years later.
If there had been truth in the initial stages of the adoption process (knowing they had a twin), or better yet if the twins had been adopted together (preserving a very important family tie), it seems those measures would be as effective as opening records….
Yes, I think that children have the right to know, even in the case of Sperm donors who want to keep things secret or something.
Things like this are a good reason, couldn’t they use numbers or something? I just hate the secretcy of it all, it isn’t healthy.
So glad you commented on my blog because I’m enjoying your writing immensely.
I absolutely agree that no child should ever come to adoption unnecessarily. But how do you quantify ‘unnecessary’? I get hung up every time.
And, yes, records need to be opened.
With your permission Sandra, I would like to ask Joy a question here.
Joy- Why, if you are such an eloquent and insightful person, did you attack me so visiously on another’s blog? I was there, trying to learn and discover, while discussing questions that rose within me and this was your response:
“it just frustrates me no end when people suggest ‘oh you are just a-scardey of their smarty-ness and ran away’ and then when you asked what smartness, the cat has made away with their tongue, pfffffft.”
Then, because I was also pleading for people to look at things from other’s prospectives in order to stop damaging each other more in our discussions, you said this, “As for placing myself in other’s shoes, that was my first mistake.”
Cutting and pasting those comments may make no sense here, but in that context those comments were so incredibly painful I couldn’t believe them. I was made into this horrible adoptive parent who was evidently very dumb sounding to you. You responded to me like I was this nasty woman trying to cat fight. I didn’t understand it at all.
In following comments you said, “In other words, they (meaning adoptive parents) have a lot to lose by taking an honest look.” But that’s why I was there! I was there to take an honest look and I was ridiculed to no end just because I am an adoptive mother! Chasing a-mother’s off of blogs, where experiences and opinions differing from ours are expressed, does nothing for children who are adoptees.
The Joy on that blog was a different person than the Joy I am reading here. Honestly, I retreated to Sandra’s blog after that situation because I no longer could survive in that world while trying to have discussions and learn. A few weeks after those attacks, when you started commenting here, it took me several weeks to begin to read your comments. I am glad I have read them now. Your thoughts are amazing, your heart is beautiful, I can learn so much from you as an adoptee. I w-a-n-t to learn SO MUCH from you as an adoptee. Thank you for being so sensitive and respectful here. You’ve shared so much insight aparents could never otherwise gain. Thank you.
Why was I attacked? If there truly is a reason please, please, tell me. I want to know how to have effective, honest, open communication with people throughout the triad. If there is a way I can more effectively do that, please tell me. My children will thank you for teaching me better.
Sandra, please edit and erase this comment if you do not want me to have this discussion here. I totally leave it up to your discretion.
-Jess
Jess,
I’ve posted your comment as written, as I don’t believe in censoring discussion, but I do hope we’re not considering regressing. We’ve been doing so well.
ourwildride,
Quantifying necessity? That’s a tough one. Especially when needs change so radically over time and hindsight is 20/20.
I think the point is to get the information into the hands of everyone potentially involved in making the sort of decisions that can lead to adoption so that all understand better what is at stake, making it more likely that due consideration is given every aspect and as many eventualities as possible.
Women in crisis pregnancies must be encouraged to investigate every possibility to parent. Hopeful adoptive parents must be convinced that a child is coming to them because there are no other options. If every expectant woman considering making an adoption plan and every hopeful adoptive parent came to adoption only after having gone through the process of determining the decision based on ALL the information, it seems to me that the necessity would not need to be quantified for anyone else.
Thank you for thanking me Sandra, really those conversations took a lot out of me.
Yes, I think my adoption was unnecessary, it took me about 17 years of reunion to admit this. It was a very painful admission. My mother is a good person, who wanted her baby, but was convinced she wasn’t worthy, mostly at my grandparent’s misguided behest.
Josh & Jessica:
You are right, my words posted here are out of context. The reason I posted them is I was feeling protective of Nicole. It happened on her blog. I felt she was being attacked.
No, I don’t agree that you were being attacked because you were an adoptive parent. I was upset with your attitude, which is really different than a adoption relationship.
I am sorry you were so hurt by my words, I have been attacked so frequently myself that my skin is rather thick and I can forget to be gentle with others. Esp. when I am feeling protective. I have had other bloggers do whole “why I hate Joy weeks” and there is even a website dedicated to me, and how I suck, written by an adoptee who claims I love adoptive parents too much
http://www.pagan.com/Filks/JoysOurAdmin/
replete with music.
You know, I do try to listen to other’s point of view, I am not always successful, I do get impatient, and protective, and am quite capable of being a terrific bitch.
I am inconsistent, I am flawed, I am all those things. Obviously, you are quite bothered Josh & Jessica to cut and paste, I notice, I will try to be more careful. I am a work in progress, and I hope you don’t let anyone bother you like that so much again, although I know easier said than done.
P.S the message on the website that the creator so objects to, isn’t even from me…
People, we are like everywhere…
Jessica:
I, actually, applaud you for being able to put the negativity aside and approach a person who hurt you from a new angle, willing to listen and to give credit where credit is due. Things get extremely nasty, from all sides, in adoption discussions sometimes and the negative feelings about someone in one context need to be dropped in yet a different context if we are going effect change in the adoption world. That is really difficult to do and I struggle with it, too. ((HUG))
Joy,
Well, I can certainly understand feeling protective. I’ve felt protective of Sandra at times when the attacks were flying fast and furious, that’s for sure. (not that she needs it…she’s soooooo capable of standing up for herself! ;))
Sandra,
I applaud the progress you have made here on this blog……it’s so awesome and you’re just the person to pull it off. Kudos to you.
But I also think Jessica brings up a good point. We really do need to process through a lot of the really nasty crap thrown our way as well as the times when we exhibited behavior that wasn’t so nice, either. There needs to be just as much truth and open airing of issues in this way as there should be in the whole adoption process. As a united group with divisiveness behind us, we could totally, totally effect the changes we all agree are so necessary for the welfare of those involved in the adoption process.
This need to air and move on is really uppermost in my mind right now, but this may not be the time or place to express it, so use your judgement in whether or not to post this message 🙂
I apologize Sandra for tempting regression. Your blog has been doing very, very well.
Thank you so much Joy, for responding and apologizing. It obviously bothered me more than I thought. I apologize for bringing it up here. I was upset when I felt someone “tattled” on me by cutting and pasting from this blog to Nicole’s. I realize that I did the same to you. I am sad for the ways you’ve been hurt in real life and in the blog world. I do not want to continue deepening your wounds.
I agree Joy, we are all flawed. Words and attitudes can also be so misinterpreted on the internet. Standing up for our beliefs, ourselves (which I felt I was doing) and for others (which you were doing) can be so unnecessarily painful for the other person.
Thank you for having these discussions on Sandra’s blog. I can learn and evolve when everyone speaks this way.
-Jess
Tisha,
Airing and moving on may be a goal at some point, but right now in our efforts to build bridges that will allow for that to be done in an atmosphere of respect and honesty we are concentrating on the one issue at hand: learning and deciding where we each stand on adoptee rights with open records and the July protest in favor in New Orleans as the focus.
We can think of this as a practice in preparation for taking on other issues cooperatively in the future, and if we practice assiduously we will be much better prepared do address more divisive topics without having the conversation degenerate into useless mud slinging matches. That, at least, is the goal, and so far this shows promise.