Archive for August, 2007

The posts on the week’s news from Cambodia for adoptive parents of Cambodian-born kids, or anyone interested in some of the happenings there, are up on the International Adoption Blog here, here, and here.

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The 24-Carat Ape

Like a rare exotic pampered in the orchid-perfect climate of a Kew Gardens greenhouse, Judy the Chimp was accustomed to feeling special. Doting upon had been de rigueur since the minute her birth made national headlines: World’s First Known Golden Chimpanzee Born.

To say she was a special simian was an understatement: Judy was a jewel — a gleaming, 165-pound primate the color of 24-carat gold from head to opposable thumb-like toe — and she knew it.

Like an opus designed to set her praises in stone so generations hence could learn the libretto and join in the worship of Judy, the routine that filled her days was perfectly orchestrated.

She would never suffer the humiliation of nostrils inhaling the product of last night’s monkey chow. Between the specially designed ventilation system in her den and the immediate attention paid to every evacuation she so satisfyingly deposited, all potential for fug was removed almost before it hit the floor.

Not that monkey chow featured prominently. No, Judy’s dinners usually started off with a nice gazpacho, then followed a gourmet curve that put the “pan” in Pan troglodytes.

If you think the girl was content with her lot in life, you’re wrong. The call of the wild came late to Judy, but it did come.

Due to well-meaning, but misguided attempts to encourage Judy toward an amorous inclination in the direction of a baboon of a chimp named Joe, she’d been subjected to hours of moving images from a small box regularly wheeled just beyond arm’s reach and developed other ideas.

Judy’s viewing of Jane Goodall’s outtakes … “Survivor” should be ashamed by comparison … resulted in her first experience with horripilation of full piloerection variety and a yearning for the day her present innocence could be embraced as salad days fondly recalled, but not missed.

From the minute she set eyes on the feral males of Gombe Group freely cavorting like the burly, hirsute, untamed gorgeous hunks of ape-flesh they are, Judy was agog.

Suddenly she saw her posh accommodation as dull and uncomfortably confining, her human companions as puny and pitifully depilated. Her longing for the wild eroded her contentment. As she became increasingly restless, thoughts to abscond developed.

Formulating a plan of escape isn’t a simple process for a chimp, especially a chimp who’d never ventured beyond the squeeze-shoot leading to her private examining room, and years of aloof snobbery toward her neighbors, all lesser apes and downright monkeys, made it likely there would be no fifth-column to pass information or create diversions that might allow her to reconnoiter.

In desperation, she turned to the one hope she had as co-conspirator: the ever-frustrated, yet hopeful, Joe.

“You want to do what?” he coughed; then lip-flipped for emphasis. “Are you out of your pretty little anthropoid mind?”

“But I want to be a wild girl!” Judy insisted.

Pant-grunting to beat the band, Joe mulled this for only a moment before resorting to an attention-getting bout of chest beating.

“You have no idea, do you?” he waa-barked. “Do you actually think you could cut it out there?”

“And why couldn’t I?”

“Miss Golden Ape 2007 in the wild? Don’t make me laugh?”

Grunting softly, Joe raised his arm and presented the back of his wrist in the classic pose of conciliation.

“Listen, Judy, before I came here I was housed with a wild-caught chimp, an old guy who’d tell stories about life in the jungle. Sure, it sounded exciting, all that running around, playing and copulating whenever the mood hit, but there was more; stories of war and death, of starvation and disease, and of chimps that didn’t fit in, so spent their lives wandering alone.

“Look at yourself,” he said, moving toward her slowly and settling down to groom her shoulder before he continued. “You’re yellowier than an orangutan and almost as ugly. What self-respecting wild chimp would have anything to do with you?”

Just then, a female human carrying a fruit basket lunch interrupted them.

“Would you like some of my pineapple, Joe?” Judy offered.

“Thank you,” he answered.

Soft lips smacks filled the den as Judy relaxed under Joe’s deft fingers.

“You’re not all that ugly,” he said, pineapple juice soaking his hairy chin. “A funny color, yes, but you don’t really look like an orangutan.”

“Have a mango, Joe,” Judy grunted.

This is another turn on the treadmill-for-the-brain for Answers.com’s creative writing challenge in which the ‘must use and link’ words are: fifth-column, gazpacho, agog, horripilation, simian ,fug, opus, salad days, abscond and Kew Gardens.
Here is my last attempt which didn’t win anything, but was fun to write.

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Captain Dan, the Demon Dwarf

I apologize in advance for this post, but I just can’t help myself … this cracks me up, and I MUST share.

First, for attribution, the link.

Now, the copy:

A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or “Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf”, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me,” Blackner said.

“I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.”

Short-lived! Ha!

Any thoughts on what his act was supposed to be?

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The wrap of Cambodian news for the week has been posted:

Swindles, investment, judges, Cisco & an actress

US military aid, tortoise trafficking, art, brides & questions

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Bloggers at Adoption.com are joining forces from all sides of the adoption triad to address discrimination faced by a Missouri family in their efforts to adopt the child of a blood relation who chose them to be her son’s parents.

There are many occasions when points of view from adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents differ greatly, and this sometimes creates friction between the relevant parties in adoption. In this case, however, representatives from each group share outrage at what they perceive as a blatant disregard for the wishes, deliberate choices and the welfare of everyone involved.

The story of Gary and Cynthia Stocklaufer should be a “best possible” scenario in a situation always fraught with loss: a loving couple, parents to one adopted child, are ready, willing and able to add a little brother to the family; while at the same time a cousin of Mr. Stocklaufer has given birth and handpicked these relations to become her baby’s adoptive parents.

In a world where crisis pregnancies often lead to lives of misery and suffering, this case is an example of how things can go right when things go wrong.

A problem arose, however, when the Stocklaufers appeared in court after months of fostering the child, now called Max, in a step to move through the adoption process.

The judge in the case deemed Gary Stocklaufer too fat to father.

Adoptee blogger, Abby, Open Adoption blogger and adoptive mom, Deb Donatti, and Birth Mother, Coley S., have all written posts supporting the Stocklafer’s adoption plan and criticizing the Missouri court making the ruling that removed Max from Gary’s and Cynthia’s custody and placed him with strangers in another foster care situation.

Each blogger has come to the issue from their personal experience, and each offers a unique perspective on how wrong and how damaging this ruling is, and they back up their points with examples taken from real-life adoptions involving real parents and real children.

Deb Donatti has gone so far as to produce a template than can be used by concerned citizens wishing to voice their disapproval of this discriminatory action via a letter to a commissioner acting on behalf of the Missouri judicial system and encourages participation by those who may choose to involve themselves.

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I’m back from my vacation … a pleasant week in Mauritius … and have resumed my pro blogging, but it’s a slog. Having managed to kick my compuddiction quite nicely, thank you, getting back into the swing is proving to be harder than I imagined.

I did take my computer along, but used it only to play movies for the kids, much to my husband’s great joy and utter astonishment. Given my propensity for logging on at the drop of a hat, compulsive checking of email and inclination to worry that I’m missing out on something really important at any given minute I’m not connected, it was quite an accomplishment.

Problem is, however, it was far too easy and now I’m wondering why in the heck I’ve been working so hard for the past couple of years.

After all, it’s not like any of this is making me rich, garnering great respect or making a real difference in the world. Ephemeral little waves and momentary pauses for thought is about all I can create with the words I struggle so to link together, and it’s certainly not like I’ll be retiring on the wages I earn in the process … or buying myself a fridge, for that matter.

I’ve been writing on average 2500 words per day, seven days a week for a long time now, and although I have managed to piss off a number of people I’m happy enough to annoy, that shouldn’t be enough to keep me going month after month in perpetuity.

The novels I have inside are waiting patiently for my fingers to be freed up long enough to let them escape the confines of my little pea brain and jump onto the pages they crave, while the collection of work that’s supposed to be already on the shelves sits anxiously alongside the copious notes on adoption-related material that confound my days. Friends who would love to receive long and heartfelt letters have had to settle for blog posts aimed at a wider and less personal audience.

While people who don’t like me take issue with the fact that I write at all, I find myself explaining my very soul to those I don’t care about in the slightest whose opinions I don’t value for a cause that has little to do with anything in my life.

My family is complete and content. Adoption is a part of our lives and no changes in the world … even total victory by the anti-adoption brigade … will make a difference to our day-to-day.

Nasty curses by anti-adoption nut cases who consider me an evil on par with pick-a-despicable-character, any-despicable-character bounce off me without leaving dents, but it isn’t nice to have all that negative energy aimed in my direction. Wouldn’t I be better off if I just smiled politely and let others chew each others’ toes off? After all, I have no axe to grind.

Of course, there is the crap that needs addressing (and, no, that’s not a postal joke), and a good deal of information that should be passed along.

Ack! How long does it take to recover from a holiday?

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Holiday time …

I’m taking a week off for some comprehensive quality time with my family. Hubby and kids are heavily in favor of me ignoring my computer, and I’m bowing to their wishes for my undivided attention for a full seven days.

After 18 months of working flat out every single day of the week, it’s time for me to unplug for a while and focus for hours on something more restful than the screen I’m staring at now. I’m thinking my children’s beautiful faces, my husbands loving eyes, drifting clouds and azure seas will be where I aim my eyes.

With any luck, this ever-so-drastic measure will help to take some blah out of my blahgs, get rid of the eye twitch that’s driving the left side of my face mad and allow my shoulders to drop by at least four inches.

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If you’re stopping by for this week’s news out of Cambodia, the posts … four of them, since there was so much happening … are up on the International Adoption Blog.

Here are the links:

Land boom, lakes, and “baby fish”

Dengue fever and mosquito control

The Khmer Rouge Trials

Domestic violence, terrorists, giving, and eating

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I wrote about Jessica DelBalzo … sorry, but that name makes me chuckle every time I write it … today on the Adoption News Blog, but I’m still so amused/annoyed that I feel the need to keep snickering at this moronic twit, so I’m doing a bit more of it here.

I’d written about her before, suggesting she was some hoax perpetuated on the Web by a sick mind that finds the idea of a website that sells … get this … anti-adoption-wear and products to go with — t-shirts, mouse pads, things like that … very funny.

Of course, I knew then that she was real enough, although I harbored strong doubt about how balanced she might be, and had lots of response from people who’d written her off years before as a kook.

Now, however, in an apparent effort to have yet something else to sell, she’s pushing a book through self-agrandizing press releases that try to sound as though someone other than the DelBalzo herself has written them, claims of acclaim and some strange personal hyping I really don’t see as being all that helpful.

Apparently at ease with flogging anything that will make her a buck, her Live Journal profile not only promotes her strangely vociferous anti-adoption stance, it also encourage folks to check out the site where she hawks adult sex toys.

Here’s her list of helpful hints she’s composed for consumption:

• Learning to Give an Erotic Massage
• How to Choose and Use Personal Lubricant
• Planning the Ultimate Bachelor Party
• Using Sex Toys to Get Out of a Sexual Rut
• The Five Best Sex Toys for Couples
• De-Stigmatizing Male Sex Toys
• Extreme Makeover — Bedroom Edition
• Orgasms with Sex Toys
• Fun with Condoms
• Sex Toys for Beginners
• Study Up for Spectacular Sex!
• Latex is for Lovers: Taking Fetish Fashion to the Extreme
• Bondage and Discipline: Turning Your Fantasy Into Reality
• Sexy Fashion Advice for Men
• Edibles in Action: Amazing Aphrodisiacs and Savory Sex Toys
• Enter from the Rear: Anal Sex Tips for Beginners
• How to Plan a Romantic Evening
• Leather Wear for Women: A Luxurious Indulgence
• Guys and Dolls: Fall For An Amazing Love Doll Tonight!
• Dildos for Everyone: Finding Your Perfect Match
• Love Potions that Work Like Magic
• Sexier Shoes, Sexier You!
• Caring for your Leather wear Restraints and Costumes
• Introduction to Enjoying Anal Sex With Toys
• Buying Adult Vibrators Information and Guide
• S&M Toys, Implements and Basic Usage
• Using a Cock Ring, Information on Cock Rings
• How to put on a Condom
• How to Wear and Care for your Latex Clothing
• Exploring Prostate Play with Sex Toys
• Masturbation Toys for Men
• How Do Penis Pumps and Enlargers Really Work?
• Red Hot Holiday Adult Sex Toy Gifts for Him
• Red Hot Holiday Sex Toy Gifts for Her
• Holiday Adult Sex Novelty Items
• Guide for Using Massage Oils & Lubricants.
• All you need to Know about Dildos

Rabidly anti-adoption AND knows all you need to know about dildos.

Gee … don’t we all want her at the table?

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