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Posts Tagged ‘Dogs’

The Mutt’s Nuts

image credit: Biro.comAlthough I have been known to find testes tasty … and not just chopped and salted … a hairy, dangling sack is hardly the most fetching bit of male bits. No matter the angle of presentation, that bag of balls seems a silly globule, comical even, and I’m still not sure how men manage to cross their legs without bursting into tears.

That they come in various shapes and sizes and with very differing dangles does make them interesting, but those two veg need the meat for context and viewed on their own would be quite alarming items … rather like finding a bumpy, hairy octopus head sans tentacles just hanging around for no particular reason.

In other words, they’re not exactly the dog’s bollocks.

Dog’s bollocks
Meaning: Excellent – the absolute apex.

The reasons why the ‘dog’s bollocks’ are considered to be the top of the tree aren’t clear. It may be linked to an associated phrase – ‘stand out like a dog’s balls’, i.e. ‘outstanding’, although I can find no evidence to indicate that phrase as being earlier than the ‘dog’s bollocks’. Dogs do enjoy licking their genitals of course but again, there’s no evidence that links the coining of this phrase to that.

The word bollocks, meaning testicles has been part of the language since the 18th century, but didn’t become used to mean nonsense until the early 20th century. The ‘dog’s bollocks’ seems to have originated in Britain in the first half of the 20th century.

Apparently, however, some do pay homage to the holy scrotum, even to the point of considering dogs’ bollocks the mutt’s nuts, so much so that they’re happy to put up the dosh to get their pups kitted out with an artificial set if theirs have gone missing …

Munson, a burly 7-year-old English bulldog, has a secret: His testicles are fake.

Neutered as a puppy, Munson (named after Larry Munson of Georgia Bulldog fame) got a pair of synthetic stand-ins to preserve his manly pride. Not his idea, of course, but his owner’s.

Yep. Welcome to the world where “Neuticles” are a hot item.

Over 425,000 caring pet owners Worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering their beloved pet.

Neuticles allows your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with altering.

With Neuticles®
“It’s like nothing ever changed”

(Check out the site for a look at one guy concerned enough about his Dachshund’s butchness he bought the dog — at least — a pair.)

The size and price page prompts the deeper voices in my head to imagine the dialog for placing an order …

XXL.
Two, please.
Hold the mayo …

And that’s a dog’s self esteem sorted, heh?

I’m wondering, though, how owners will explain why their best friend can’t get it up …

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There are some days a blog topic just can’t be avoided, no matter what. Like that proverbial sack full of nickels that whacks me upside the head from time to time, something will jump up, then hang on like a chihuahua on a cuff and not let go.

This is one of those days, and doggone it if I’m not going to bite. The news has gone to the dogs cheek by jowl and there have been no few personal nips as well.

I’ll start with this really annoying bit from the NYT:

Don’t call her a guard dog. When she costs $230,000, as Julia did, the preferred title is “executive protection dog.” This 3-year-old German shepherd, who commutes by private jet between a Minnesota estate and a home in Arizona, belongs to a canine caste that combines exalted pedigree, child-friendly cuddliness and arm-lacerating ferocity.

Great. Now, thanks to Navy Seals, Bin Laden and the kennel ration of crap that comes with, designer dogs have been elevated to a whole new breed.

I’m all for well trained canines who do a job, as those pampered pets like Leona Helmsley’s intended $12 mil pouch are notoriously useless.

Yes, that millionaire lapdog is now in doggie heaven, a circumstance I’m guessing was quite traumatic for the minder-of-Maltese for all these years. I’d venture a guess that pup wasn’t offered any easy exit, but lived until the last possible pant.

Being as I am dogged in my determination to revert to my previous puppy-less state, I’m about done with the creature that came to me just post-eye-opening requiring three-hourly feeds and poop scooping. Yes, Lady Gaga Snowball will very soon be shifted to Andy’s house … as soon as I can find him and do the hand-over. I know some were convinced I’d fall under her spell, but I’m dog tired these days and not subject to the charms of chewed shoes and having my house TP-ed. I’m also not big on another set of slobbery flews and four more muddy feet, so call me a hardhearted cur if you like, but the pooch is soon to be passed.

More significantly, I’m haunted today by a Ghost of Dog Past … a small black mongrel who came to our family when I was about three I dubbed Snowball.

There’s almost too much to tell about Snowball, being that he was my first dog in a long line of four-legged family members, but some of his story packs most of the weight in the sack of nickels prompting this post.

Just yesterday a friend on Facebook resorted to social networking about what he saw as a shocking observation … a gay dog.

I took it upon myself to illuminate, explaining that homosexuality is common in most species, and that I once had a gay dog … the aforementioned Snowball.

This morning I awoke to find a message on my fb fan page from a woman I haven’t seen since I was about 9-years-old, a childhood friend and neighbor who just happened to own a dog … his name was Sam, if I remember correctly … who died in front of all of the whole court because of Snowball’s ardor. (My dog had hers pinned as the ice cream truck made its rounds and … well … it wasn’t pretty.)

I am thrilled to have Sue back in my life after 50 years and have so many memories I would be happy to share, but can’t quite get myself to face again the fact that my dog killed her dog back when we were five.

I’m sure we’ll get through this.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives. ~Sue Murphy

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