Years come and go and like with many that have rolled around lately this year I can’t tell which I dislike the most: the coming or the going.
New Year’s Eve is a turning point and I can almost not remember the last time I didn’t spend a portion of the event not engaging in an internal debate over what was more depressing — the year I just went through or the one I’m facing. (I know that’s a lot of negatives, but ’tis the season … )
Since none of my children died in 2011, it certainly wasn’t the worst I’ve seen, but there wasn’t much else to rejoice over. For the most part it’s been a 365-day slog with far-too-regular, far-too-often-futile attempts at dodging incoming shit asteroids.
Yep. So much like last year that I could just repost the blog I wrote as 2010 closed out, but I’m just that much older and that much more jaded, so less inclined to end on the up-note I managed then.
One more year of the disappointment parade has me beat to a pulp. Having managed to whip up anticipation of breakthroughs and opportunities to grab a brass ring or two, in retrospect I have to wonder how any glimmer of optimism ever managed to reflect off dreary, dull surfaces in the first place. How flickers of hope appeared in such soggy, dismal ground is a mystery.
I know. I know. New beginnings … anything’s possible … if I set my mind to it … blah, blah, blah … or as Anne Lamott put it: Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.
Experience, however, has me turn more toward Nietzshe when it comes to hope:
In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man’s torments.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
Since my dawns are usually accompanied by anxiety, dread and a case of the shakes that lets me know I am, indeed, awake, if I were to hold some hope somewhere I would like it to take more the shape of a good night’s sleep, and prolonging torments sounds less constructive than admitting defeat.
I’m tired, you see: tired of working my ass off for zero return; tired of trying to mold a world around me that refuses to go anything but pear-shaped; tired of convincing myself a better day is in the making only to take another load of shit to the head; tired of pretending there’s anything within my control to change for the positive. Tired to the point of no longer being able to work up a head of steam or care enough about anything to form an opinion worth writing about.
Plans turn to dust at my feet, so I now just duck and cover as best I can while working on a “don’t give a shit” stance that might at least allow me to keep standing between hits. It’s not a case of damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don’t because there’s little I have options to either do or don’t do.
One thing I can and do do is try to find the lessons in this life and own up to my role in my demise. No doubt about it, I’ve made some crappy choices, been too harsh, too opinionated, too defensive. I’ve neglected relationships that should have been cultivated and cultivated some that didn’t deserve the efforts. I have a sharp tongue that defensively masks a damaged heart and forces distance that would be better bridged. I harbor resentments and forget nothing, so carry toxins and use them as excuses. Although generous with joy, I am selfish with misery, a trait that is a setup for loneliness. I am intolerant, short-fused and overly-impressed with my propensity to be right.
Dwelling on my faults, as active a venture as that is, does little to give hope, however, as I don’t see the basic me changing much in the time I have left. I do my best to practice kindness, to contribute in positive ways, to keep my fucking mouth shut, but am nonetheless still subject to the knee-jerk reflexes of a lifetime.
Of course, it’s not all bad. Sam and Cj keep me going, giving good reason to get up, get moving and put on a happy face. They keep me laughing on the outside as I agonize over how to keep them motivated, happy and secure, pay their school fees, provide for their futures and answer all the questions I have answers to as Mark disappears into his new life and adds to their long list of losses. They are what make regrets impossible and my constant reminder that things do happen for a reason.
Looking backward down my path, it does all make sense, one-thing-leading-to-another-to-another-to-here, and there’s not one thing I would change as I’d fear altering the present reality. But that doesn’t mean this reality is any less sucky on a day-to-day, year-by-year basis or that I’m any less tired or scared or worried.
Any more questions on why I haven’t been writing here much? Whiny poor-me-life-sucks posts bore the shit out of me, especially when they’re written by me, and since I have little else to say I’m shutting up as I’m shutting down.
If I had hope left, I’d pump it up about now, grab at my disintegrated bootstraps and yank. As it is, however, I’ll keep an eye out for a set of jangling keys to divert me from my funk and call that ringing in the New Year.
As for hope, this is about the best I can do …
For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
~T.S. Eliot
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 
The little (big) voice in our heads is unreliable and dishonest – a downright traitor. Where we place our feet everyday, the children we embrace and the little things we do are the real thing.
There is a book inside of you Sandra, and you are in exactly the right place to write it.
Much love dear friend,
Lisa S.
I have no writing in me, Lisa. I wish I did, but I don’t. Everything I start dies on the vine and although I have considered an attempt at a blowout, I just sink into the mud.
Thanks for the encouraging words, though. You’re a friend and a huge plus in my life.
Personally I think there is a special light of hope in honesty, new directions in life can come from the center. I think we all have defeated dreams and surprising successes yet to come, that we don’t yet know about. If we get too caught up in our lives we miss some opportunities. Around this time of year I think of a musician friend I once had, he spent 6 digits on a musical venture which failed, his girlfriend left him, he sank into misery and starvation, literally, he withdrew and many of us around him saw all the bad things happening but we failed to intervene for whatever reasons, possibly too caught up in our own lives. He eventually drove his car off a dock at a high rate of speed and that was the end. But things really didn’t have to be like that, I don’t remember much about TS Elliot, but didn’t he also say something like, there will be time to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet. Maybe I’m wrong but I’ve always taken that as a positive Our worlds may be exploding but I never give in to things which really are just trying to bring me down. I wish you a great 2012, Sandra and change is always in the weather.
This is about as close as I can come to TS Elliot relevance, Luke:
Not giving in is always an option, but sometimes the struggle seems of little value.
Thanks … and Happy New Year.
Sandra, listen to Lisa! (above) Your writing and your incredible honesty and wit have had a huge, positive impact in my life. We slog along here also, pasting on that happy face and keeping things going for the kids, parents and sibs. Yet it is one thing after another, on a daily, often moment to moment basis. A blog from me could only be, at this point in time, a running litany of horror for anyone to read. I do not wish for you to have woes, far from that. But your amazing way of putting the woes from which you cannot escape onto paper makes me feel far less alone and strange in my life. Apparently, from the outside looking in, things here look fairly peachy. And in many ways, they are. But the troubles are not stamped onto our foreheads for all to see, they are driven like blinding hot spikes straight into our hearts. And you, dear woman, have touched my heart. Love you. Here’s to a kindlier dozen, tempered with Nietzsche, seasoned with the crumbs of our mutually disintegrated bootstraps. Amy
Amy, you have long been one of the pluses in my life, and the thought that I have impact for the positive gives more meaning and hope than you could know.
Funny thing, but when I was debating whether or not to post this I prepared myself for an onslaught of “shut the fuck up, you whiny bitch who deserves all the shit on the plate!” Thank you for not serving that up.
As for listening to Lisa, which I do, it is me of little faith here these days.
A kindlier dozen to us all, my dear friend! We sure fuckin’ deserve it!
meh. that tendency to be too hard on oneself.
“I do my best to practice kindness, to contribute in positive ways, to keep my fucking mouth shut, but am nonetheless still subject to the knee-jerk reflexes of a lifetime.”
You’re singing my song there. It would be a bit easier, regardless of personal shortcomings, if there weren’t so many bleeping twits in the world trying to “help.” Particularly when the preferred form of assistance is self-serving bullsh**. That song from Man of La Mancha comes to mind – the one where the relative is singing – I’m only thinking of him.
Man of La Mancha is not on my radar tonight, Amy. Refresh, please.
As far as “bleeping twits” go, however, I am familiar with them …
Man of La Mancha – stage play for Don Quioxte
Am I tilting at windmills, Amy?
Are you tilting at windmills? yes it took me months to see this and reply.
Aren’t we all tilting at windmills?
http://www.2012supplies.com/countdown3.swf
Official2012Countdown.com
Thanks, Brian! I have that on my desktop most days …
Hope all is okay in your world and I wish ALL of you a New Year worth celebrating.
Dear Sandra, I empathize with your pain. Half way around the world, with a host of fears and lost expectations of my own (different from yours, yet feeling similarly minus the hope) I wish I could find the answer to how one carries on. The only one I see is that I have a very stubborn heart, one thing we do seem to share. In spite of my lack of direction, my seeming loss of interest, and my absolute lack of hope that anything will ever change… It keeps on beating and pushing me forward each day, even though I asked it to give up long ago. At the very least I guess I should be thankful, that my heart has not given up on me, when most everything and everyone else apparently has. I am thankful your stubborn heart has not given up on you as well.
I wish the best for you in the coming year Sandra, and I really do hope you find the joy in your life again.
Deb
Thanks, Deb. I’ve been doing this a couple of decades longer, though, so my energy levels aren’t what they might be. It takes a toll, but friends help … a lot!
This is amazing, Sandra. I feel like I’m reading my own feelings at the deepest level. I totally relate to your words on the emotional level. It’s one of the reasons I’m attracted to your blog. The other reasons include your depth of honesty, humility, love, passion, kindness, fantastic wit, intelligence, incredible writing and never boring. I’ve never met you, however all of these qualities shine through to me from reading your blog posts. You are awesome, Sandra!
An epiphany occurred this year: life is pointless. The revelation came to me while dealing with intense health issues. Everything that seemed important became incredibly unimportant. Nothing held any meaning for me. Fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, happiness, passion, excitement, joy, and laughter vanished. Even hope was gone. And I didn’t know what to do, so I just stayed with it and experienced “life is pointless” for a while.
Then, I realized that the only thing that is important is the quality of my relationships; my relationship with myself and my relationship with others. So that’s where my work is; be kind and gentle with self and develop deeper relationships with others.
Sandra, be kind and gentle with yourself. YOU are awesome! Know it and feel it. 🙂
Oh, Marianne, this pointlessness of all is something I contemplate close to endlessly.
Awesome? My goodness … that is incomprehensible at this juncture, but I am so grateful for your input and embrace the sentiment.
Happy New Year, Sandra!!! No question, you are awesome.
And you, Marianne!
Dear Sandra, the most beautiful thing a person can leave behind is the smile on the face of a person caused by thinking of her. I read this somewhere and it made me think of you – YOU definitely left a big smile on my face! To me you are – and I won’t change my mind there – an amazing and wonderful person and such a beautiful mind. On the one hand, I understand your feelings very well, in some way they are very similar to what I sometimes feel and on the other hand it makes me sad that I cannot help you, even if it were a tiny bit… All I can do from this great distance is to deeply wish you strength and a lot of wonderful moments together with your lovely kids for the upcoming 2012!!! Love, Judith
Danke, Judith und glückliches neues Jahr!
I so look forward to the next time we’re sharing the same space and place!
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever…..Give up.
Greg
xoxoxo
Greg!
All that sunshine and blue sky is beating you down. You need to go somewhere dreary, like Scotland or Northern England, smoke lots of cigarettes, drink pints of cider in dark pubs and take long walks on cloudy days.
Then you can meet me in Paris for my birthday in May. We’ll smoke more cigarettes, drink lots of wine and announce from the top of the Eiffel Tower to the men of the world that we’re just fine without them, thankyouverymuch.
Wish for me to sell this place and I am SO THERE, Lisa!
It is comforting to me to know that there are other people who can be as bone scraping honest as I can be. I always feel like honesty is my salvation and I refuse to barter the right to be myself just to be admired for someone I am not!
“To thine own self be true”. Someday soon, I’ll betcha you will be posting an upbeat, positive blog, and realize that even bad moods are temporary.
Happy New Year, and if it isn’t happy, let it at least be tolerable. Hope
It wouldn’t take much to swing things around. Not much at all.
I’m sorry to hear things aren’t going well, Sandra. I was wondering why you weren’t posting. I’m glad you’ve got your kids to keep you going. There’s that, at least.
I’d offer you remarkably good advice that would turn everything around for you, except I don’t have no remarkably good advice.
I agree with you and Friedrich about hope, though. The more I accept the hopelessness of my situation, the less annoying angst.
I managed to keep that hope thing going for quite a while, but the year-after-year pileup has worn me down, Paul.
Accepting hopelessness almost sounds like an oxymoron, but the less annoying angst the better.
i thought you said you werent writing? This is awesome… its authentic and bare bones and cystal clear candid…and all the things most glossy eyed humans wouldnt dare to admit but are feeling every bit of the blood clogging reality that you speak to. Including me…
I far more appreciate this level of vulnerability than any inpirational song one can muster up and sing with a guitar solo in the background….if all you do for the next few months is write about all the shit out there, then your peeps are all the better for it… your heart is still beating sandra… louder and truer than ever.
Putting this shit into words, then making them public was quite the uncomfortable slog, Robin. It’s a one-shot deal, as there’s nothing more to say on the subject of ‘life sucks’.
The brick wall around me shows no cracks at all, but my head has had about all it can take.
Hi Sandra, I’ve been reading your post and comments and trying to understand…and I’m sorry to see that the “preoccupied” part of your blog’s name is taking over paradise…I guess there is nothing comforting to say and I can’t add anything to the wonderful things that have been said to you in the replies to your post.
I just want to wish you all the best for 2012, maybe it GETS better, you never now!
Greetings from Germany (which isn’t paradise either) to Paradise preoccupied! Uta
Thanks, Uta.
Yes, I am blessed with some amazing people reading my raves and rants.
~laughs~ one of the things I love about your blogs my dear, is that they make my whinns seem like a fairytale 😉 Love it 😉 happy new year regardless
Gee, thanks, Bobby. I guess I’m glad my life puts yours in some perspective that makes you happier.
Great article, Sandra. Thanks for the follow too!
I especially liked this bit:
“I’m tired, you see: tired of working my ass off for zero return; tired of trying to mold a world around me that refuses to go anything but pear-shaped; tired of convincing myself a better day is in the making only to take another load of shit to the head; tired of pretending there’s anything within my control to change for the positive. Tired to the point of no longer being able to work up a head of steam or care enough about anything to form an opinion worth writing about.”
I too am tired: tired of juggling the money because we can’t seem to get a “first job in Australia” for Mr O, despite his hard work studying to get an Australian qualification. Tired of doing all the driving because I am the only one with a licence. Like you, my family keep me going, but yes, I need a rest too. I has been a bloody hard two years and while it is great that we are now all together it seems like we never get to a place where we can rest.
I like that quotation, I’d never heard it before:
In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man’s torments.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
I think that is how my husband feels sometimes with the job hunting. He hopes, but it prolongs his torment at not having a job.
2012 WILL be better! We have to believe in our ability to control our own destiny. We have to.
Sandra,
I really LIKE this post! strange huh?
I’m not sure why I like it so much, maybe I’m tired too. Tired of hearing platitudes from everyone. I like how you paint reality, not perspective.
I’m still tired, but not as much as I was when I was living with the psychopath and didn’t know it. He was poisoning my food for 25 years with strychnine so that I was too sick and weak to work or have a life. I still busted my ass trying to make a better life while he continued to sabotage.
I escaped when I realized that getting me to write my will and leave everything to him was part one of his evil plot.
But the point is this: Often times, when life sucks, look around at your traveling companions. Life doesn’t have to be hard, even when it is. The people surrounding you make all the difference. And it’s not easy to recognize the most toxic people because they HIDE IT WELL. If they didn’t, you would run and they’d be out of supply. I believed my beloved was a saint for most of those years. Later, I just thought he was pitiful but I never doubted he loved me. He made sure of that. In fact, he NEVER loved me.
Most horrible is that my parents, whom I thought of as my best friends and saints, knew all along because they overheard him say that he was only with me for my money. But they said nothing until 25 years later. Turns out that the reason I put up with evil for 25 years was because I grew up with evil and it seemed normal to me…
Not trying to join the pity party here. There’s a reason I’m telling you these things. It’s important to listen to your body and your mind telling you that you’re tired. It’s a sign to look at the people that surround you and ask if they are draining you or filling you. It won’t be easy, they hide the truth and you have to be brave to look at it.
No … I don’t find it strange that you like the post. If you’ve lived it, you know it.
I am now far beyond the psycho-narcissist-guitarist, so much better, thankyouverymuch … and hope you’re doing better without the nutso brigade yourself. Twenty-five years is a long time, but it wasn’t forever. Be happy!