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Words are my thing, my outlet, the tool of my creating, and it’s a good thing I have them because I suck at most other forms of art.

My daughter, Jenn, and my son, Sam, both amaze me with their ability to take something blank and turn it into an image that provokes recognition and emotion … it seems like magic to me.

Ernesto can make six guitar strings produce music so beautiful that I’m filled with toe-tapping joy or cry as it resonates deeply in my soul.

Being bound by words as I am, a story unfolding without need of any astounds me.

Here’s a link to an astounding story I can’t seem to find to embed, but MUST be seen.

Ernesto sent it for the kids, inspiring Sam toward yet another medium, and we thank him …

It’s time for me to let outrage spill into the blog again, and although I could pound on about health care in America, the abomination in Burma, the double standard on internationally adopted children and much more, this gets my dander itching this morning …

It is now legal in Afghanistan for a man to starve his wife to death if she refuses to have sex with him.

Rape, of course, is not an issue, as that goes without saying. Beating to death is common enough and usually without repercussions, and now starvation is condoned.

And how will the world react? With its usual impotence …

Western leaders and Afghan women’s groups were united in condemning an apparent reversal of key freedoms won by women after the fall of the Taliban.

Oh, the dreaded “united condemning”!

Shall we wait to see how much food that puts into an Afghan woman who’s not in the mood for abuse?

Sunday Tangent

Music ... for the soul. Photo: Kim Pockpas

Music ... for the soul. Photo: Kim Pockpas

It has longed seemed to me that as humans we are over-engineered and severely limited by our biology.

I suppose that could be why Yoda’s line … in addition to many issuing from sources less mainstream and more respected … resonates:

Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.

Crude matter, for sure, even when we fix ourselves up, often to the detriment of luminosity.

What could be the reason for minds that allow us to imagine everything, but bodies that begin falling apart as soon as we’re born, spend a lifetime secreting disgusting fluids, can’t see in the dark, breathe under water or fly?

Only one answer makes sense to me, and that is that this life is merely a pit stop, a quick duck-in for some sort of tuning up or tuning in or tuning out … whatever ends up being made of our time.

I know many who are convinced that this is it, that in becoming human we have hit the wall, that we’re born, we live, we die, and that’s the whole story, and I have no problem with that, except that it makes no sense … it’s just bloody wasteful.

We can easily track the reasons for many evolutionary developments … whales lost their legs because they hampered swimming, mandrills developed colorful butts to keep track of each other in dense forest … and much of human change, from bipedalism allowing for quicker spotting of predators, leading to shapely asses in the process, to color vision letting us find ripe fruits, fits the program. At some point, however, it just got silly.

Science may argue that our capacity to dream up Shakespearian plays, grand music, art and philosophy is some sort of side dish, a naturally occurring consequence arising in tandem with the ability to hunt and gather, but I’d have to ask: What would be the point?

Did we need to be able to put man on the moon to put food on the table … Did we need a table? … and reproduce? Other animals that have been around much longer than we have, tortoises, for example, haven’t been compelled as a species to invent French horns to enrich their environment .

Our evolutionary biology has worked against us as we’ve been honed. We’ve lost the capacity to smell sexual readiness, fear and illness as we’ve relied more and more upon vision, even while knowing well that we can’t trust our eyes much of the time, the hand being quicker than and all that.

And as great as our minds can be, our bodies limit us; our brains can only process so much of the information in our world. We know, for instance, that time is not linear. This has been proven, but can we wrap our heads around that? Even those who can quote formulas live one day at a time.

Stephen Hawking, for one, who said: “It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value.”

How much in our world do we miss, ignore, refuse to incorporate into our version of reality? We know that we are constantly surrounded by energy; light and heat are two we notice, but it’s likely that there is much more. We may even sense the occasional touch of something, but not being able to classify we chalk it up to whatever …

There was a case of a “new tribal people” discovered in South America some years back. Poor slobs were inundated by scientists wanting to study this unique and untouched society. At one point one of the researchers, noting the weekly overflight of an airplane, asked the people what this object in the sky was called in their culture. He was looked at with amusement … poor guy was obviously batty … because the plane simply did not exist in their world. They didn’t even see it.

It is possible that we exist in simultaneous multiple universes, even though we can conceive of them wonderfully without really “getting it”, so are very likely missing a lot.

Or are we? Perhaps we know more than we think we do. After all, we create art and music for our souls … the part of us we know and touch without proof. We are more than our biology, and death is a door, nothing more.

Okay. Tangent over …

I don’t know why, but it came as a shock to me that because my son was not married, it was up to his father and me as next of kin to make a whole load of decisions we so did not want to make when he died: cremation or burial; where to bury; casket color and style and open or closed; clothes to dress him in; headstone material, design, size and copy; music … and words.

His dad thought it right that I write something for the funeral “program”, an idea that jarred me to my bones, to say the least. I could not imagine that I could find any words at all … but I did.

Here they are as they appear on the back page of the whatever-the-mortuary-handout-thing-is-called:

Jaren Eli Combes
17 February 1971 – 2 June 2009

The bluest eyes
The sharpest mind
The brightest wit
The kindest soul
The biggest heart

From tiny baby boy to
Big Guy
In stumbling steps
through 38 years
Reaching
Dreaming
Hoping
Giving
half of his last cookie
the shirt off his back
acceptance without judgement
love without condition

Illustrated composer
repository of memories
assuager of consciences
We laughed and danced in
his quirky brilliance

Too James Dean
to stick around too long
We run with the thought of
a rock & roll heaven

Find peace, my son

Shells are tough ...

Shells are tough ...

In an attempt to light a fire under the part of my ass I write from … and, yes, that’s throwing a bone to critics, so feel free to chew away … I’ve set up a fan page on facebook for my work .

Here’s the link where readers can fan me, if they so choose.

I am well aware that I could be prying the top off a tin of burrowing invertebrates with this rather bold (for me) move, since there are a few of you out there who have been nagging relentlessly for me to produce more words linking together in one form or another and I am possibly inviting more of that sort of thing, but I need prodding.

Lest anyone get the idea that promoting myself in what feels a bit like a whimpering plea for validation … I mean REALLY!!! Fans???? … comes easy to me, well … it doesn’t.

Although I do love the facebookese that turned “friend” into a verb, asking to be fanned without the aid of breeze-making devices runs against the deepest of my grains. Administering Ernesto’s various sites for a while now has helped a bit, as I do see the value of putting information where people can get to it, but blathering on about the talents of another is far different than leading a cheering section aimed at me.

I’m tempted to say that I’ve swallowed my pride, but that seems the exact opposite of what setting up a fan page conveys, so I’ll simply let it stand and see how it goes; the point being to get work … and I do need more of that.

So … continuing in the vein that is trying to steer blood into the heart of my career, I’ll drop a hint like a sledgehammer: I write for money, so if anyone needs words and wants to pay for them … speeches, articles, web content, onesheets, bios, fairy tales, etc. … I am available for work and fanning.

Whew …

That was tough …

Growing up lessons

KeaneI’ve been spending a lot of time in contemplation of much these days, gazing at every inch of the elephant of sorrow and each cell that makes up the blue whale of regrets, trying to make this puny human learn where the process leads.

Contrary to popular opinion in some circles, this old shell has not hardened beyond the capacity to grow, and I’m finding out that I can, indeed, fit a lot more under the hood.

Although it will come, this is not to be a post about deep stirrings of my psychic soup, but rather a few shallow observations of what has risen to the surface as I attempt to suss out the makings of me. I will, eventually, I’m sure, ride the remorse leviathan and live to blog about lessons learned from the journey, but today I want to talk about eyes. Mine, to be specific, my relationship with both of them and a surprising new vision.

I have come to hear quite recently that my eyes are one of my better features. I write these words with trepidation and disbelief, having spent the better part of fifty years wishing I had a different set. Having formed much of my self-image at the time Keane art was plastered all over the place and Twiggy’s was the face to aspire to, my Hanks eyes seemed inadequate, and since that message was underscored often enough by my wide-eyed mother, I accepted what seemed fact that beauty was to evade me because I was so unowl-like.

It’s only been recently that I’ve stopped doing all I could to minimize my boobs, too, after years of being embarrassed by the copious chestage I developed early in life, and I do wonder what an early comfort with … perhaps even some appreciation for … my physical form might have produced in the way of positive outcomes.

Would I have made better choices in life if I’d felt more worthy? I’m fairly sure that would have been the case, since I am aware of the impact of unworthiness and where it led.

I understand well that standard beauty is a product aggressively marketed, and I also feel that no harm was meant as the underlying theme of “not quite pretty” was repeated throughout my formative years, but I am pissed off that it’s taken me this long to start feeling comfortable in my skin, especially since it’s heading south.

Lessons?

Well …

I love the fact that Sam and Cj know to their bones that they are beautiful and understand that it is my job to continue to arm them with the confidence they will need when the world hints that they are in some way falling short.

I’m also rather pleased that I can manage to feel pretty … when I take the time to fix myself up … finally.

I still have a long way to go on the “worthy” business, but realizing this does make it easier to relax the reflex judgment muscle that’s been honed over the years, and that’s an energy saver.

And although it’s neither easy, nor comfortable, I’m pleased I’m still climbing the learning curve, as resting on laurels would just give me a fat ass.

Me and Jaren ... being goofy as he often was ... on a happy day.

Me and Jaren ... being goofy as he often was ... on a happy day.

I have been inducted into a club no one should have to join, Mothers of Dead Children. The only advantage of membership is that, unlikely as it may seem, it does provide a level of understanding that evades anyone not eligible.

The initiation process is a horror, and there is no recruiting committee; in fact joining the ranks happens before one realizes such a club exists. No secret handshake sparks recognition of other members, and any meeting requires nothing to connect.

Since my son died on the 2nd of June, many, many people have reached out to me. Support has come in many forms, some practical and covering bases I wasn’t able to attend, others clumsy attempts at consoling, a few downright agonizing in their neediness.

Although all have come from the heart, many drain from the little energy there is to slog one day to the next. The consistent exception? The instant comprehension from those who have had their own children die.

It doesn’t matter if the dead were big or small at the time, as to parents our children will forever be our babies. There is no need to do more than nod and absorb the fact that this person truly, truly understands. There are no words striking the “time will heal” chord, as members of the Mothers of Dead Children Club know too well that while time does allow some adjustment, we will probe the hole we live with for the rest of our days.

With no expectation of wholeness, we can comfortably exchange tales, cry without shame, laugh without worries of appearing to be calloused, and describe in minute detail our children and our pain.

To those who say, “I can’t imagine what it must be like,” we can unite in verses of “Don’t even go there … do not imagine this even in the darkest nights”.

When we are told we are strong, we can appear to be exactly that, as without the slightest effort we feel the member-wide slump of shoulders, the exhausted sagging toward floors, the lump in the throat, the razor-like sting of tears held again on the inside … and we know it’s okay, normal, the way it is.

There is comfort in this familiarity, or at least a version of comfort, and we cling to it as we do to the shreds of ourselves that bring our children close for those instants we can, however briefly, ignore the loss of them and celebrate what went before.

To my fellow club members I say: I am so, so sorry … and I wish I didn’t know you.

It appears I’m not ready to start blogging about life and death and politics, but in cleaning my office I did find a poem, apropos absolutely nada, that I wrote some time ago …

So offering a bit of blather after all this time:


Suzi Got Her Uzi

She rode bareback
cross the plains, she did
Brown braids
cracking, snapping
a cat-o-2-tails

Straight-backed, perfect
toes up, heels down

And she could sing
she could sing
Strong and loud
canyon wall echos
weak reflections of
the voice
the voice

Put on a show, she could
all the fanfare
with costumes and changes
Handstands on broad backs
The world moves while
the horse stands still

She rode bareback
cross the plains, she did
Hits the bull’s eye
at fifty paces and 20 MPH
She hit it once
one thousand times
one thousand times

My son, Jaren, just a couple of months ago

My son, Jaren, just a couple of months ago

My son, Jaren, died suddenly in Los Angeles on Tuesday. He was 38-years-old, having been born on the 17th of February in 1971. (I remember that day like it was yesterday … )

Jaren was, hands down, the smartest human being I have ever known, and the funniest by a long shot. His heart was bigger than his talent, and that’s saying something.

He was a song writer, a guitarist, a singer, a writer, a comic, a bartender, kind, loving, forgiving … a gentle giant of a man who cuddled kittens as often as he tossed obnoxious assholes out of the path of nice people.

Not a simple man, nor always easy, his depth was sometimes missed as his wit took the lead, but no one could know him for long without experiencing a touch of his brilliance.

My life was blessed by him, and losing this son of mine has broken my heart.

I am leaving for California tomorrow night. While there I hope to meet with all his friends, hear all their stories, and feel all the love.

If you are on facebook, please see the group site dedicated to him for details and to read comments from so many who loved him:

Please visit his band’s MySpace page to listen to his voice, his music, his lyrics and his guitar, and his personal page to read a bit of his humor.

New Photos

Just received some photos Kimmy took of me back in February, and since she’s very good and makes me look not half bad, I’m posting some here.

If compelled to comment, please keep in mind the words of Thumper’s mother …

Photo Credit: Kim Jade Pockpas

Photo Credit: Kim Jade Pockpas


Photo credit: Kim Jade Pockpas

Photo credit: Kim Jade Pockpas


Photo credit: Kim Jade Pockpas

Photo credit: Kim Jade Pockpas