During a long and pleasant conversation with Tom yesterday, we covered a bit of the territory involving the latest palaver over the … dumb da dumb doom… end of the world, which according to some nut case in Oakland should be rolling around a week from Saturday.
May 21, 2011, is the latest attempt to get a jump on Judgment Day, courtesy of Oakland, Calif.-based Family Radio, a nonprofit evangelical Christian group.
Apparently, this particular flavor of nut has cracked before, but this time is really sure.
Family Radio, whose president, Harold Camping, predicted the End of Days before: Sept. 6, 1994. Camping had been “thrown off a correct calculation because of some verses in Matthew 24,” a company spokesman told ABC News this month.
The Christian radio broadcaster is apparently more confident this time around, spending big bucks on 5,000 billboards, posters, fliers and digital bus displays across the country.
And why not? Spend, spend and spend some more, I say, as what the hell else would one do on the last days?
Really. What?
Say the end really is nigh, there’s a week or a month or a year left before the planet explodes, implodes, offloads … whatever … and we somehow know this to be fact.
What?
What do we do differently?
Okay, we spend time with our loved ones, touch all the bases that need touching, convey all the emotions as best we can. Depending on the time allowed, perhaps we watch the sunset from a pyramid or ride to the top of the Eiffel Tower or swim the English Channel or otherwise check off bucket-list items.
Some might choose to get in all the get-backs they’ve been venomizing over for years. but the idea of taking an enemy out loses impact when we’re all in for it, dunnit? Why do some asshole the favor of an early checkout?
And there’s the point … we ARE all in for it. Sure, probably not at the same time under the same circumstances in the same conflagration or whatever, but the fact o’ the matter is, none of us get out of this alive so we might as well live as if we’ll die someday, somehow, somewhere.
That, of course, is hardly the point of the predictors of pending extinction, however, and maybe … just maybe … they’ve got the better handle on the big picture: End of the World = money in the bank.
Those who buy into the idea might very well run up their credit cards in what they are convinced is a “live for today” frenzy, but there’s hell to pay if they’ve been sold a bill of goods that doesn’t deliver.
For some, though, it delivers well enough …
Edgar Whisenant didn’t get it right the first time, either, when he predicted a mid-September 1988 Rapture, even publishing the books “88 Reasons Why the Rapture Will Be in 1988” and “On Borrowed Time.” No Apocalypse, no problem. The former NASA engineer simply pushed his predictions off to three subsequent years and wrote books along the way, none of which reportedly sold as well as the first two.
Interestingly, there’s no little advice on stuff you should have on hand to … and this I so don’t get … survive the end of the world.
Here’s just one list:
# Canned food something that does not need refrigeration
# Canned meats, spam , chicken, tuna etc you need at least 3 ounces of protein per person per day.
# Water can be stored in the 2 ½ gallon containers with the pour spout which are sturdy and easily stackable. Other sources of emergency water are discussed in the water section.
# Blankets should be available for all
# Water filter Brita or pump type
# Sugar cubes for energy, breakfast bars
# Small grill , propane barbeque or camping grill ( power is likely to be out)
# Cash for purchases if the power is out using small bills because change may not be possible.
# Parachute cord 100ft 550 pound test
# Duct tape one roll to seal around doors and window, tape bags together for emergency shelter or rain gear, and general mending.
# Needles and thread just sturdy thread clothes will need to be mended and occasionly a cut will need to be sewn shut as well
# Survival manual one that has a lot of pictures and information in it several are recommended on this site
# Plastic tarps with grommets at least 2 of 10 ft x 10ft each.
# Plastic coated playing cards
# Battery operated radio preferably crank type rechargeable and two changes of batteries
# Dishwashing soap and clean dish towels 2 or paper towels water can be scarce
# Manual can opener either the ecko hand crank type or the smaller survival type
# Trash bags 30 gallon or larger two for each person with twist ties. They can be used as emergency ponchos, trash bags, emergency toilets ( the plumbing may not work)
# Buy a 3 gallon paint bucket, one cheap toilet seat $5 and use the seat on the bucket and deodorise with aqua chem, an RV tank sanitizer to control the smell. Otherwise twist tie the bag closed it will smell bad in a confined area.
# Some sturdy dishes metal plates work fine and can be found at camping stores. A family sized mess kit will have pots plates and cups inside along with some silverware usually but check it.
# One or more really good flashlights. The new LED lights use a lot less power and last longer than regular bulbs.
# Bug repellent larger size since bugs will come in out of the rain as well
# General medications like aspirin ibuprophen, pepto bismol, mouthwash,
# Deodorant you may be living cramped for quite a while and a couple of washcloths and towels.
# Air matteresses are good but blankets and bedding are a must for sleeping.
# Candles the power is likely to be out a long time and it gets real dark without it.
# Box of wooden matches in plastic with the striker so they do not get wet
# Butane lighter at least one more is better one of the long ones to light the candles and stoves
# Coleman lantern and Coleman stove
# Two gallons of the liquid fuel they are interchangeable and it can be used to start a barbeque pit or wood fire later if the wood is wet.
# Prescription medications at least enough for two weeks lots of times you can get a 30 day supply for travel etc and just rotate it out to keep it fresh.
# Towels and wash cloths with a bar of soap
# Diapers and extra trash bags if you have infant children any lotions or powders you may need and dry or canned formula.
# Several changes of clothing which are comfortable and right for the season
# Tooth paste and brushes
# A portable toilet seat and extra 20 gallon size trash bags with wire ties for your shelter if indoors.
# Handy wipes or baby wipes, water may make cleaning up difficult.
# Sanitary napkins for any women likely.
Well, that could push the edges of the credit envelope, but if the 22 of May dawns there’s always next year … Yikes! 2012! … to fall back on if MasterCard comes a knocking.
Think I might just put together a series of eBooks on fun stuff to do in those last 48 hours of Earth …
Amorous Armageddon: End of the World Sex That’s Out of This World ($9.99)
Ashes, Ashes All Fall Down: Entertaining Kids In the Final Hours ($9.99)
Sudden Death: Fun Games for Judgment Day($9.99)
… and an iPhone app that will send and manage goodbyes, last wishes, apologies and excuses in 4,000 languages. ($1.99)
Better get on this before the world ends, or I do …
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 
Not even my normal – not catastrophe – not-end-of the-world-household includes all the listed items – so how have I been able to survive until now???
I especially like your einwurf, that we are all in for the end some day and should live accordingly. And I certainly don’t want to be the “last woman standing” on this earth when everything and everybody has collapsed – enjoying the first of my canned soups, sitting alone on my blanket counting my last euros – where would I be able to buy something for it? Just let it be then…..
Regards, Uta
Exactly, Uta.
And if you were, how worried would you be about taking out the trash in those trash bags they recommend???? Sheesh!
Great article Sandra. If/when the world does implode – explode – ignite – I really want to just go with it instead of lingering in increasingly horrific conditions. Implode – explode – etc., really doesn’t leave room for the return of civilization in 2 weeks.
Love your humor and point of view.
Thank you. But the big question is … WILL THE BOOKS SELL? 😉
I’d buy all three books just to have the titles prominently on display in my living room.
There’s always the exciting possibility, Sandra, a new religion will come of this. I believe the Jehovah’s Witnesses began as an end of the world cult. When the world didn’t end as their founder predicted, they simply declared their god was a merciful god and had changed his mind due to the fervor of their prayers.
I once tried praying that hard when I was in high school, but it didn’t work. Maybe I should have prayed to their god instead of to the captain of our cheer leading squad for grace.
I wonder what Camping’s followers would call their new religion?
The Mormons got their start like that, and they’ve managed to keep it going, even if in Utah.
I may have to get to work on those books!
Thanks, Paul.
Sandra, don’t forget a book on how to locate your local LDS households. If they’re at church when the end comes then they won’t need that 6 months’ worth of food and emergency supplies they’ve stored up in their bomb shelter basements.
I know it sounds mercenary but if I survive the end of the world as we know it, I intend to start a very successful career as a scavenger.
“Omega Man” … only in your case “Woman” … I like.
Well… I guess I’m doomed. I have very few of the items on the survival list.
The human mind is SO interesting!
I like the iPhone app idea, but since I don’t have an iPhone I’ll have to say thanks Sandra it’s been really great following your blog and I think Amorous Armageddon will be a best seller.
I’ll be singing auld lang syne.
Cheers!
Hahahahahaha!!!!! Thanks, Marianne!
Put me down for one of everything 😉 hehe to be honest I think that the world ends every now and then and that it starts again, just like the dawn after a night 😉 but I will agree with you, my list would be quiet different 🙂
[…] Meanwhile, Sandra over at Paradise Lost has started a fun discussion of the books she hopes to write in order to help us all get through the end of the world. They have promising titles, such as: Ashes, Ashes All Fall Down: Entertaining Kids In the Final Hours ($9.99). Enjoy the fun! […]
Bringing along a manikin, Bobby? 😉
Oh to hell with that, its the end of days, I am getting me an escort, best money can buy 😉
Silly man!
The name’s Hanks, not Milton, and I’m not lost yet, just busy …
Very sorry for the mistake! I would offer to commit seppuku in order to restore my honor, but instead I’ll just offer to drink a lot of saki in the name of your blog and hope it has the same effect.
That will do nicely, Paul!
Finally, a link from HP worth following… terrific view/viewpoints… all around brilliant observations… I am hooked.
Here’s another vote for the Amorous Armageddon. As I said to Paul in his post pointing to your site, the last end of world book I read was “Childhood’s End”.
“It was a tribute to the Overlords’ psychology, and to their careful years of preparation, that only a few people fainted. Yet there could have been fewer still, anywhere in the world, who did not feel the ancient terror brush for one awful instant against their minds before reason banished it forever.
There was no mistake. The leathery wings, the little horns, the barbed tail—all were there. The most terrible of all legends had come to life, out of the unknown past. Yet now it stood smiling, in ebon majesty, with the sunlight gleaming upon its tremendous body, and with a human child resting trustfully on either arm.”
Tasty read that. Maybe it’s time for a re-read?
I’ll add you to the list for AA, if I ever write it!
Welcome to paradise …
As a recovered ex-Mormon, I would buy Amorous Armageddon in a heartbeat. And display it prominently on the coffee table, particularly when the Mormon relatives come to visit. Will there be pictures and helpful diagrams?
Of course! What’s a sex book without visuals? Okay, the answer to that would be a sex book for women, but if I want to sell to men, it MUST have pix!
Did someone say, “sex pix”? Where do I que up with my money?
Gawd! I may have to actually write this book!
sign us up for one of each book, please! you can package that with pictures and, um, accessories. 🙂
and everyone make sure you run right out and get that package of plasticized playing cards………essential item for the End of the World.
Personally, the end of the world just wouldn’t be anything without Travel Scrabble …
or travel monopoly.
That would probably just start wars all over again …
it might, but we would still have our books, which we would gladly share. 🙂
I think the world will end 2012 🙂
And my survival tool would be a Parker roller ball Pen. Keep the alphabet alive and all that.
What an ultimately sensible choice!