Seeing as how it’s a Monday and all, it seems a good idea to start this week off without kvetching about all the crap going on in the world, but rather spend some time amusing myself … and maybe you.
Always a good first stop is the alternative news entertainingly offered up in layers, and when The Onion disses my bro, it’s even better.
Some are forgiven for not getting the ribbing here, since the story is not at all outrageous if you know him …
“We were told to come over for a late brunch, but as soon as he answered the door in his tanker helmet, I knew we’d be playing World War II with him again,” said Howard, adding that he realized he was in for the full treatment when he glimpsed Martin Short and Bruce Springsteen standing at attention in the foyer. “I suggested maybe having some coffee or a muffin first, but he stared at me and said that I was a private and should just follow orders.”
Having wet myself with this taste of what could easily morph into an urban myth the likes of Richard Gere’s gerbil, I move along to Snopes, where a bit of a bloggy quiz pops into mind.
Which of the following is true:
1) The penis of gangster John Dillinger is on display at the Smithsonian
2) The band 10cc was so named because the term represents the amount of semen in an average ejcaulation
3) A man stapled his scrotum back together after slicing it open while masturbating with shop machinery
4) The size of a man’s nose, hands or feet is a reliable indicator of the size of his penis
Take your time.
If you picked number three, you’re probably as grossed out as I am by the fact that this is a real happening, although, if you’re in the same sort of Monday mood, you won’t be too shocked by the stupidity exhibited by some.
Here’s part of the doctor’s report, which comes will an illustration:
An unmarried loner, he usually didn’t leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to felt much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
I’m betting the guy only claimed to be an “unmarried loner” in an effort to save a lifetime of grief from his wife.
So starts the week …
A collection of my short stories:
I'm in this one, too ...
And I'm in here, as well ...
Paradise Preoccupied 