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Cj … my happy kid

Posted in Adoption, Cambodia, Children, Family, Friends, International Adoption, tagged on December 5, 2008| 1 Comment »

Cj ... one happy girl!

Cj ... one happy girl!

Magnar left about 9:30 last night, and Calina and I managed to pack up the computers at 10ish … very early for us these days … and in my usual check of the kids — Magnar had put them both to bed and they were fine at the time — found puke all over Sam’s bed, Cj’s pajama top on the floor, also vomit-covered, and her asleep on her bed.

Seems she’d tossed her cookies, then stoically tidied and moved.

What is it with this kid?

Never in my life have I known a child as calm and collected as my Cj, and I can’t help but wonder how these traits will serve her as she grows.

She’s the happiest kid I’ve ever known … if given the choice between happy or un, she chooses happy every time, and happily. She smiles even when fighting tears, or tries to, and pulls herself together after tragedy faster than most adults.

A few hours later, she was crying. When I went to her she only said, “I want my Sam”, so I helped in to her brother’s bed again and she immediately settled and slept peacefully until 5:30 this morning, our usual wake-up time.

(Have to add here that dear Kim … off to London for a week … called Calina, and it seems she was ill last night, too. She was on about being all brave and stuff … right up to the point that Calina reminded her that Cj is THREE. Oops.)

Is there a genetic element to Cj’s stoicism? Some influence from me? Did spending the first 13 weeks of her life in an orphanage somehow toughen her up and make her determined to always look on the bright side?

Or is it just who she is?

Not that it matters.

We are all, when it comes down to it, no more or less than the sum of parts, and who we are.

I just happen to have the supreme good fortune to add to who I am the title of Cj’s mom”.

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Life … that bumpy ride

Posted in Friends, Older women, On getting older, Writing for fun, WTF?, Younger men, tagged , , , on December 3, 2008| 5 Comments »

Life is a funny old thing, isn’t it?

Ups.

Downs.

In between ups and downs.

Way up ups and way down downs and everything in between, like a perpetual elevator ride with a lunatic at the controls.

From sub-sub-basement (heartbreak, betrayal, misery, pain) to penthouse (rapture, joy, dizzy love with icing on top), we traverse at the whim of the insane controller up and down the shaft … often getting it as we do.

All I can say is … THANK GAWD FOR ELEVATOR MUSIC!!!

A few months back, when my lift was just beginning to emerge from the depths far beneath the earth’s surface, my dear friend Tisha put a CD together, and posted it to me. She titled it “Lowdown, Cheatin’, Lyin’ Man Music”, and included on it 18 songs specially selected for their capacity to either commiserate with my pain or prompt a new search for my own bootstraps.

Carrie Underwood’s, Before He Cheats is one in the latter category, and playing it full blast in MY new car … emphasis on MY … and singing along at the top of my lungs still makes me smile every time.

My great bud from back in high school days, Virginia, with whom I’ve had the amazing good fortune to reconnect after 30-something years, today sent me lyrics to a tune from “Phantom of the Opera” that she knew I’d find poignant this week:

Child of the wilderness,

Born into emptiness,

Learn to be lonely,

Learn to find your way in darkness……

Who will be there for you?

Comfort and care for you?

Learn to be lonely….

Learn to be your one companion.

Ever dreamed….out in the world,

There are arms to hold you?

You’ve always known,

You’re heart was on its own.

So laugh in your loneliness,

Child of the wilderness,

Learn to be lonely,

Learn how to love…

Life that is lived alone.

Learn to be lonely,

Life can be lived,

Life can be loved…..alone.

I’ve already posted the vid of my theme song when I start doing the Country show on Paradise FM next year … a song I listen to often that makes me laugh every time, and I can’t tell you how good that feels.

There are penthouse songs, too, of course, but I’m not quite there right now, although when my friend and co-worker on Adoption Under One Roof, Julie, sent me this link to an ASL version of “So Are You To Me” by Eastmountainsouth today during a long chat, I felt a jolt upwards.

As Bette Davis said in “All About Eve” …

Hold on!

We’re in for a bumpy ride …

This trip we’re on may not always be fun, but at least we can sing.

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World AIDS Day

Posted in Adoption, Children, Family, Friends, International Adoption, orphans, The United Nations, World politics, tagged , , on December 1, 2008| 2 Comments »

Wear YOUR Red Ribbon

Wear YOUR Red Ribbon

Red ribbons abound in BlogLand today, and well they should. It’s World AIDS Day, which simply begs attention … and deserves every word written, every thought thunk, and every effort made on behalf of the millions of people who live with, and have died from, this miserable, rotten disease.

I’m from California, as longtime readers know, and one thing we Californians have experienced is the devastation AIDS has brought to families, friends, communities … the love lost, the hearts broken, the bonds torn.

I don’t know anyone from home who hasn’t been personally touched by this disease. Not one.

I lost a cousin and dozens of dear, dear friends over the years, and to this day not only miss all, I still have with me … although halfway around the world … my darling Robbie, who has been living with AIDS for 26 years.

Robbie is one of my oldest friends. We worked together at a zoo in California where we both loved the same chimps and orang utans, and where we did almost everything together.

After his partner of 17 years died of the disease, he moved in across the street from me, and every night we would watch movies and talk and eat and have a beer or two, and every Sunday during football season we would hang out on his bed and watch every game we could. (He’s a big Dallas fan … I was hot for the 49ers)

I did my first AIDS Day march with him, then every year after, and he was sitting next to me the first time I saw “Philadelphia” … made me wonder if when I went to see Syble if I shouldn’t have done that with someone with a multiple personality.

Through my work writing in the adoption world, I have had the good fortune of knowing families who have adopted HIV+ children, intentionally, and since the disease in Western nations no longer conveys an immediate death sentence have had the wonderful experience of adding these little wonders to their lives.

AIDS. Learn about it. Do something about it. Support efforts to do what can be done to rid the world of this illness. Speak up when issues come up. Encourage those you bring into office to take on the challenges and support research, education and treatment programs.

Here are some links to follow for more info on how to be proactive in this fight:

AIDS.GOV blog

The Respect Project

The myspace site Drug+HIV … learn the link

Metro Teen Aids

HIV/AIDS Awareness Days

Children With AIDS Project

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Living in the big, big world …

Posted in Adoption, Cambodia, Children, England, Family, Friends, Fun, International Adoption, Island life, NaBloPoMo, Seychelles, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on November 24, 2008| 5 Comments »

Kim (South Africa), Sam (Cambodia/Seychelles/UK), Calina (France) ... all together on my couch.

Kim (South Africa), Sam (Cambodia/Seychelles/UK), Calina (France) ... all together on my couch.

As seen in yesterday’s post, we celebrated Sam’s 6th birthday with a party on my veranda. I’m prompted by the event to wax on about life in the greater world … the world that includes other countries, cultures and concepts.

Not only did we have people from Seychelles, Cambodia, the US, the UK, Norway and Australia here, Sam also received birthday greetings … via Skype, facebook and emails from a whole bunch of folks in America, Sis … New Zealand-born, now living near Portland, OR … Sas and Miss B … born in India … in Luxembourg, Liv-Synnove in Norway, Calum in Kenya, Nadiera in Sri Lanka, Mervyn in China, Clint in Lebanon, Oscar in Finland, and friends living here from France, South Africa, and so on.

The fact that the world is small should be an easy one for all to take onboard, but one that appears to elude far too many on this tiny, interconnected planet. Our differences pale in comparison to our similarities, yet seem to get most of the focus outside social networks like facebook and myspace, and blogs, where people tend to go to look for like-minded folks to share with.

We’re a simple species, apparently, and although we can conceive the most amazing ideas and birth creatures that bring us together in ways unimaginable just a few years ago, we tend to lose the plot more than we follow.

I can only hope that the closeness that happens when people from so many different places and backgrounds communicate … I’m not talking about the pinheaded fools who try to turn chat to porn every chance they get — boring, stupid gits, they are — but those who build bridges and lifelong friendships with people they never would have had a chance to know before the world shrunk … will eventually make a huge difference for the positive and lead us away from our base nature and move us into a new realm where we are happier to share hugs than lob grenades.

And send birthday wishes to a little boy in Seychelles.

Cool.

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A day on the veranda

Posted in Adoption, Children, Family, Friends, Fun, International Adoption, Island life, NaBloPoMo, Seychelles, Uncategorized, tagged , , , on November 23, 2008| 10 Comments »

Sam’s birthday was on the 10th, but that fell during his time with his dad, so we decided to do a birthday redo today, the first weekend home again.

I have to admit that the day had a tang of the bittersweet for me, and I suffered with that taste in the back of my throat through the morning. Not only did I navigate the first family celebration as a single parent since Jenn and Jaren were young, I also did my first non-spontaneous party, meaning that the tag-team Mark and Sandra show was obvious in its absence. The dance that we choreographed over 15 years that had him doing the food while I did drinks and entertainment was today a pas de one … a difference, a change to be recognized, new steps to be learned.

Stick today on top of the mountain that is Thanksgiving looming … my favorite holiday that has me bumming myself out every year I’ve lived so far from my original family … and, well, it’s the Blues grabbing me by the heart and tugging.

Had a good cry while Skyping with Sis, then sucked it up and made the day fun and love-and-laugh filled. Friends gathered. Kids played. Magnar manned the BBQ. Stan toted and tidied. A good time was had by all.

Tried to load a vid, but it won’t work. There are photos on my facebook page, though.

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Twisting the knife

Posted in Family, Island life, NaBloPoMo, Seychelles, tagged , , on November 21, 2008| 6 Comments »

Just can’t resist posting this …

And when I go back to Paradise FM next year, this may be my theme song …

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And now for something completely different …

Posted in Adoption, Expat Living, International Adoption, Island life, NaBloPoMo, Seychelles, tagged , , on November 20, 2008| 12 Comments »

I got my new car today.

That may sound like an easy thing to those who don’t live on an island in the middle of nowhere, but here it’s quite the feat. Won’t go into details and tremendous costs for a vehicle that in the rest of the world would be considered reasonable, but will say that I like it.

One biggie about it is that it represents another severing from Mark. We no longer have a car as bait for bitching. He has the company car … a French piece of shit with windows that pop out and wing mirrors that haven’t worked for 3 years … so less shit to toss at me as ammo.

I now have a cute little zippy number that is all mine.

Plus, it has a great music system that lets me blast out “low down, cheatin’, lyin’ man” country music at full blast … and I’m belting out tunes all the way up La Misere and down Les Canelles. (Rock on, Reba. Take it, Tammy!)

Goodie.

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Time to thank readers

Posted in Adoption, Adoption Advocacy, Children, Entitled to opinions, Family, Friends, International Adoption, NaBloPoMo, Older Parent Adoption, orphans, Writing for a living, tagged , , , on November 18, 2008| 3 Comments »

I had so many comments … both on the blog and privately … on yesterday’s post that I reckon some addressing is due.

First, I’d like to thank everyone who has voiced the opinion that my voice is still valid in the adoption world. That is tremendously encouraging. The fact that even Coco lent encouragement is huge for me … thank you, Coco … and I’ll tell you why.

The online adoption community is notoriously fractious, and in my years of writing on the subject I have made no few enemies … some who have taken their level of vitriol so far beyond the realm of polite reason that mud blobs with my name on them stuck to the net will outlive me.

So much of this has felt counterproductive from the early days of my writing on the subject, and I refuse to pussyfoot my POV, as healthy debate has always seemed a good way to forge links that might eventually provide foundations for bridge building.

A conversation with Gershom, an adoptee who wrote what for all intents and purposes … and title … was anti-adoption, ended up in a dialog that encouraged everyone involved to participate in supporting the right of adoptees to their identity, and I’m pleased to say that she and I have developed respect for each other … a friendship, even

Coco and I also have had issues, but although we differ greatly in attitude, we have found the common ground and mutual respect that will eventually provide the only means to true reform that will protect those needing protection without cutting children needing families out of the equation completely.

Both of these relationships forged in fire where the inspiration behind the formation of Adoption Under One Roof, the community I helped found … then felt unworthy of continuing to contribute toward (although I hope and plan to reenter soon) … that was based on the idea of bringing all notes in the adoption triad together to learn to sing harmoniously, rather than harp on discord … or dis”chord”, as I think of it in these terms, “triad” also meaning a group of three notes on a chord, not simply opposing positions of those whose lives have been touched by adoption.

Of course, I also thank the adoptive moms that formed the backbone of my readership years back and continue to grow in numbers that form a protective circle around me as they close ranks and ‘get my back’.

And I’m pleased as anything to find new readers like Peter … an amazingly talented musician and writer with no adoption affiliation, as far as I know … adding his related experience to the mountain of support I find myself clinging to these days as I lurch my way up and out and toward the light that leads from the depths to the heights.

Thank you all.

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The kids are back!

Posted in Adoption, Adoption Advocacy, Cambodia, Children, Family, International Adoption, NaBloPoMo, Older Parent Adoption, Seychelles, Writing for a living, tagged , on November 17, 2008| 11 Comments »

Magnar teaches Sam and Cj to groom a horse

Magnar teaches Sam and Cj to groom a horse

After 10 days with their dad, Sam and Cj are now home again, and home is once again a calm environment, albeit punctuated with girly giggles and the occasional squabble.

This reality, the one that has them having another place that’s home-like with the man who is their father, along with some woman I’ve never laid eyes on … and a baby on the way … is one that I never saw coming back when Mark and I were going through the adoption processes for them.

I’m not going to whine on here about ends of eras or dashed dreams or bumpy roads. In fact, I’m not going to whine at all.

I will, however, touch a bit upon how pulling rugs out from under the feet of children who began life with loss impacts, and how unfair it all still seems … to me, yes, but also, and more importantly, to them.

I was a child of divorce, so unlike my husband who conveniently assumes that “they’ll adjust” because “kids are resilient”, I know the consequences that come from abrupt shifts in the world, and I see the effects creeping in.

Although they are happy, healthy, smart and funny little people, emotional bruises are showing.

A few examples:

Cj now asks many times a day if I love her.

Every drive to school has her asking, “Will you pick me up?”

Sam refuses to mention one word about anything that occurred during his week away from home, as if it’s all one big guilty secret he must keep.

None of the signs I see are blatant examples of emotional upheavals, but all show cracks that weren’t there before their dad walked out. Their trust levels are way down, while their worry levels are way up. Stress, in other words, has come to their lives.

As long time readers have noted, I no longer write much about adoption, and since I used to post about 2,000 words per day on up to six different sites, this has been quite the drop-off.

The reason? I feel a bit a fraud touting the gifts it brings since I can no longer offer the bubble of security and protection I thought I was assuring when we brought them from Cambodia to Seychelles, promising, I thought, happy ever after.

Okay, life happens. I know this. And I also know the long term advantages of learning early that life is hard and that adjustments will have to be made as one makes their way down whatever path is put at their feet.

That was an easier take with my bio kids. For one reason, I was younger and less concerned by outcomes years down the pike. For another, they were the results of what had always been a crap shoot. Neither was planned, so their existence felt meant-to-be in ways beyond my scope.

Sam and Cj came to me through great and concerted efforts that involved much inward examination of motives and well-laid plans for futures based on foundations forged in determined ground that was to hold solid for them.

There is no lack of love around them … Mark does love them … and, in fact, they are getting love from sources that wouldn’t be showering it upon them now had circumstances not put people like Magnar in their lives.

And they are doing well, according to all observers, from teachers to friends to me and their dad. But they do, again, know loss, and that hurts them.

I may again take up the adoption torch and advocacy roll that had me so active, and in some quarters so hated, but I’ll enter that fray from a different angle now and with a cautious optimism that my kids will make it through the upheaval in their young lives and learn to live with a family much less the “Brady Bunch” than I’d hoped.

Not all sunshine and lollypops, for sure, and that’s a drag when learned at 5 and 3. But learned it must be, and I’m working like hell to keep the lights and goodies coming while helping them navigate the unfamiliar waters of a family broken.

Life is what it is, and theirs has already had such drastic twists and turns. I can only hope the result for them will be like it has been for my brothers and me … a capacity to roll with the punches and make lemonade.

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Island Life: When it sucks ….

Posted in Expat Living, Friends, Island life, NaBloPoMo, Seychelles, Writing for a living, Writing for fun, WTF?, tagged , , on November 15, 2008| 5 Comments »

So, sure, we break out in spontaneous parties, have fab friends, lovely weather and azure-blue seas, but anyone getting the idea that life on a tiny island in the Indian Ocean is all sunshine and lollypops was clearly not around the past couple of days.

Thursday: Just after 6pm, when I’d just finishing the agonizingly slow process of uploading a photo to this blog, the Internet crapped out. Phone call to Internet Service Provider prompted.

You must understand that the term “ISP” in this part of the world is misleading in that they often do NOT Provide any Service, and since I’m such a raging bitch I call whenever my connection fails. (Keep in mind that this is how I make much of my living, so live and die with my connectivity.) All the guys at Kokonet … my “I” not quite “S” and flaky “P” … know me too well, and answer any call with a number of mine they recognize with a roll of the eyes I can hear and a consigned-to-their-fate “Hi, Sandra” that carries the same tone conveyed by a 10-year-old whose mother just caught them smoking … crack.

Here’s the conversation from Thursday, 6:20pm:

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ad nauseam (and this is the HOTLINE number) which doesn’t daunt me one single bit.

“Hello … ”

me: Who am I speaking to?

Richard … Hi, Sandra …

me: So …

him: Routine maintenance. We sent out an email.

me: Funny, but I didn’t get any email.

him: Well, we sent one.

me: Not to me.

him: Not my job …

me: Fine … so when are we back on?

him: Eight.

me: Really?

him: Well, around 8 …

me: sputter, sputter, doubt, sputter …

him: Maybe before.

me: Yeah, right. You do realize that every time you all do maintenance the system craps out?

him: intentionally obtuse blah, blah, blah …

me: So … 8 …

him: Definitely …

Of course, 8:00 comes … and goes …

By 9 I’m back on the phone …

him: Hi, Sandra …

me: Well … ?

him: Just heard that it will be another 45 minutes.

me: And then … ?

him: blah, blah, blah …

But, miraculous as it may be, 45 minutes later we’re reconnected and I’m working away … only to have the bloody thing die in 15 minute chunks every half hour or so.

So … I dial the hotline again, and … no answer, ever.

So … at 1:30am I call the mobile number of another guy who works at Kokonet, Selwyn.

Here’s that dialog:

Selwyn, sleepy sounding: Hi, Sandra …

me: What the feck is going on tonight … rant, rave, rant, rave ….

him: I have no idea what you’re on about. It was working fine when I left the office …

me: Well, it’s not working at all now.

him: Why is it always you?

me: Tell me!!!

him: I left my computer at work so I can’t check if the problem goes further than your place …

me: Selwyn, what DO you do for a living? You left your feckin’ computer at work?

him: Yeah … forgot it.

me: How bloody comforting. Now, give me some hope, please …

him: I’ll get into the office early tomorrow and sort this out … I promise.

After trying like crazy to get him to give me his bosses private number … “You know I can’t do that, Sandra. I’ll get sacked if I do,” … I give up, turn music up loud and do my nightly stretching exercises that spring my unstrung springs. (I am VERY bendy … even at this advanced age. Former dancer, you know … )

So … Friday dawns to … no feckin’ Internet.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring …

Selwyn: Hi, Sandra …

me: And, so …

him: Big problem. I have no idea what’s wrong. Basically, though, we’re screwed.

And that’s were it stayed until half an hour ago.

One aside, that’s is SO more than an aside, but will sit there for blog purposes …

When I woke up this morning, not only did I not have Internet, my freezer had defrosted and my 50 bags of frozen bananas … along with everything else … had defrosted. Ever seen bags of thawed out frozen bananas? Well, they leak sweet, sticky black gunk. (It’s lovely warmed up on ice cream, actually, and in smoothies, which is why I had 50 bags of bananas in my freezer. When my bananas are ripe, there are hundreds of the buggers.) These had leaked the black gunk down every shelf and out the bottom of the fridge door all over my kitchen.

We have no such things as refrigerator repair people here. None. And there are no spare parts even if we did have someone who could diagnose the problem and tell me which parts were needed.

In other words, I’m screwed.

But, at least I can write about it.

(I must, however, throw in the NaBloPoMo towel for the month, as I missed a day, and that’s a no-go.)

Feck!!!!!!

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